Where's Your Laser Focus?

​When I was just starting out in my own leadership career, there was one particular leader who I kept going to for approval. I was not able to get it no matter how hard I tried. There were several people in leadership roles who were supportive, gave me great feedback, took time to teach and mentor me, but that one person’s attention and approval were allusive to me. 

I became laser focused on getting his approval.

As time went on, I learned that I was not alone. His focus was on being right, having the final say, and wielding authority. His leadership was not based on dialogue, healthy conflict, or developing others. 

I was voicing my frustration to a trusted colleague (probably for the 10th time), when he said to me, “Beth, you keep trying to get something that he is not capable of giving, and then being frustrated with him. Why is that?”

This was a watershed moment for me because what I saw so clearly aligns with the Navigating Challenging Dialogue® mantra, “The only person I can manage is myself.”

I could not change how this person led. It didn't matter how “good” I was or how fast I danced aiming to please. I did, however, have control over myself and what I could change to reduce my frustration. 

I began to look towards where I did get support: mentoring and coaching

I began to focus on leaders who valued giving feedback, spending time in dialogue, and teaching me while helping me work through the challenges I was facing. When I did have to engage with the other leader, I did so from a place of accepting who he was based on what he had shown me, again and again. I learned how to work within that.

I realized over time that I had wanted to be the “one” who cracked the nut. 

I wanted to be  special enough to get the mentoring or coaching from the one person no one else had been able to win over. I was making it mean something about me instead of understanding that it was about him. 

I took a hard look at my own drive for people pleasing and how that overruled taking care of myself. As I said, it was a watershed moment of self-awareness -- it changed me for the better.

Where in your life are you trying to get something from someone that they are either not capable of giving or are unwilling to give? 

Is there a shift in perspective for you that could be a watershed moment?

I’d love to hear from you.