An Excerpt on Trust
Trust is such an integral part of the success of any organization, team or group. Yet, we rarely ever take a deep dive look into what trust really is and the many ways trust either does or does not show up in our relationships.
The following is an excerpt from my newest book, Turn This Conversation Around coming out later this month -- and you can sign up to be notified when published.
Trust is Built One Conversation at a Time and One Experience at a Time
We have a lack of understanding of what trust is and what it isn’t. Through movies or novels, we’ve come to romanticize trust so much so that it can feel like trust is an all-or-nothing proposition. The reality is that our degree of trust depends on the situation.
For example, when I’m facilitating a group of clients, after just a few hours I’d trust each of them with my belongings if I were to step out of the room. However, I’m not going to trust them with my passwords to my bank account or to mail my taxes by the deadline. That may change over time as we share more conversations and experiences, but as of right now, I won’t.
We begin healthy relationships with a level of trust that is appropriate for the situation and how well we know each other. Trust is built one conversation at a time and one experience at a time. And trust is destroyed in much the same way, only faster.
To have emotionally clean and clear communication, it is important that we honor that trust. Once we have a successful experience where trusting each other pays off, we are likely to trust even more in the future. As we get to know someone and understand how they’ve formed their lens on the world, we are likely to trust them even further. Even if we don’t agree.
But trust is fragile. It can be destroyed with just one falter or misstep. Trust crumbles much like an avalanche, rapidly falling away and taking the entire relationship with it. It is far easier to initially build trust than it is to rebuild trust after it has been broken. After all, our brain loves to seek evidence that our worst fears are true. Our brain tends to focus on the misstep and think, “I told ya’ so. You can’t trust anyone.”
We do have a choice in these instances. We can either allow the mental stories to take over and decide we will never trust this person again, or we can put grace in the space and sort out the facts from the fears and assumptions.
Look at the situation from the perspective of, “At what level was the trust we built appropriate and reciprocated? Am I will‐ ing to adjust how much trust I extend without going back to ground zero?”
Follow up by having an emotionally clean and clear conversation with the person using the NCD Process. It will increase connection.
Talking about trust and how to restore and rebuild it is something we rarely ever do. It serves the good of the whole to be intentional and truthful about developing and maintaining trust.
How are you cultivating trust in the community around you?