How Gossip Impacts Us
When we talk about the impact of gossip, we usually focus on the impact on the person being gossiped about.
Today I’m focusing on the gossipers themselves.
I am asking the question, “How am I impacted when I participate in gossip?”
Here’s the definition of gossip that I’ve developed for myself:
“Sharing non-factual (or unconfirmed) information that isn’t directly related to or concerning me, often with the intention of eliciting an emotional response or reaction from someone else, while attempting to quell a discomfort or vulnerability within myself.”
When I share gossip, I’m:
hoping to create a bond or connection.
wanting to be seen as someone who “knows” things.
emphasizing what I perceive to be flawed in another.
elevating my righteousness.
seeking your agreement and participation in judging others.
trying to prove that I myself am above the perceived vulnerabilities or flaws I see in others.
The act of gossip is the result of an activated emotional hotspot.
Gossip is an attempt to pacify or quiet a feeling of discomfort or vulnerability that rises up in me. My brain then adds all kinds of stories (fears, assumptions, judgments, expectations, values) to the data and makes the story bigger.
Because what my brain is creating is so uncomfortable, my adrenal glands produce adrenaline and cortisol, which prompts me to take action. That action is to tell a story to others. I falsely believe sharing will bring me relief.
All of this is happening instantaneously and unconsciously – unless I choose to notice.
Choosing to Notice
I pause. I put grace in the space. I say to myself “That’s fascinating. This is really impacting me. I feel the urge to share this. But instead, I’m going to breathe and look at the facts”.
I ask myself these questions:
Does it need to be said?
Does it need to be said by me?
Does it need to be said by me now?
When You’re Genuinely Impacted
Sometimes the topic of the gossip is so disruptive or upsetting that it does need to be processed. In those cases, turn to a therapist or coach who is not emotionally involved and can help you to sort out why the topic is so impactful to you.
Gossip damages families, workplace culture, trust, connection, and respect. It impacts everything, all the way around.
Disrupting The Cycle
The next time you hear “something” and feel the need to share, ask yourself:
What in this is my concern or business?
What about this makes me feel better or worse about myself?
What relief do I seek in sharing?
What is the impact on me if I share?
What is the impact on me if I spend the time and energy in a positive way?
Gossiping gives us a reward in our brains.Temporary relief. But there are far healthier and more responsible ways to generate positive and sustainable rewards. These rewards build connection, trust, and belonging instead of destroying it.
Be responsible for the energy you bring to your work culture, relationships, and yourself by being accountable and responsible with gossip.
For more on gossip, here is another piece I wrote: Gossip, It’s Just Like Sugar.