Is It 100% True?

We all walk around with so many stories in our head. These stories surround the facts of any situation like a warm, comfy blanket. The purpose of the stories is to help make facts that are uncomfortable more palatable.

Here is an example, a scenario that a recent participant brought to class:

“My coworker is always late for staff meetings. She is the only one. The rest of us get there on time but for some reason, she does not.

Being late doesn’t show respect for others. And I feel like I can’t depend on her or trust her because she obviously doesn’t show respect for the rest of us. I want to talk to our manager and find out why it is okay that she is uncaring, disrespectful, and generally not dependable while the rest of us get there on time. I have to talk about it with him because it is really annoying me.”

Using Navigating Challenging Dialogue (NCD), I walked her through the 4-Stages of the NCD Process.

In Stage 2, the participant began to sort the facts from what was story, speculation, and assumption. During Stage 3, I asked her about ways the coworker was dependable, caring, and respectful. She began to list some of the coworker’s behaviors that demonstrate those things.

Participant: “Well, a few weeks ago she jumped in and took over a task when my daughter was sick. And now that I think about it, she always makes sure people are acknowledged on their birthdays. That's really nice of her. And our customers love her because she is so helpful. And she is very conscientious about making sure the supplies are stocked. Even though that is really everyone’s responsibility.”

Me: “Hmmm. So is it 100% true that she is uncaring, not dependable, and disrespectful?”

Participant: “No, I actually guess that is not true”

Me: “So, based on this, what is it that you actually want as a result of having a conversation with your manager?”

Participant: “I want her to be on time for meetings.”

Me: “I understand that. Do you know what keeps her from being on time for meetings?”

Participant: “Uhm. No. Actually I’ve never asked. I’m starting to think that maybe first I need to ask her what prevents her from being on time.”

Me: “That actually may be a good place to start.”

Our brain loves to protect us and help us be comfortable with facts.

It does so by manipulating or massaging facts with assumption and speculation. In this case, the participant was getting ready to take action based on the stories she was adding to very clear facts, rather than first engaging with the co-worker using curiosity.

The participant’s story was causing her much annoyance and that was driving her to take action and by plan to speak to the manager directly. While sometimes this can be a good strategy, the best strategy is to examine what is fact and what is story. And then take a deeper look and ask yourself, “Is this 100% true?”

When she inquired, with curiosity and empathy, about why the co-worker was often late, the co-worker responded that she is often in the middle of a customer service call at the start time of the meeting. And so she had spoken to the manager to figure out what to do. He had told her to prioritize the customer satisfaction over being on time for the meeting. She went on to say that she really tries to finish up the call before the start of the meeting because she dislikes being late, but it often isn’t doable.

Curiosity leads to empathy and empathy is the pathway to building trust.

When your brain is swirling with frustration, stories, and you feel like you just need to take action (i.e. go to the manager), pause and ask yourself, “Do I know that my own story is 100% true?”

Stage 3 in the NCD Process can save so much drama, conflict, and bad feelings. When in the past might you have really benefited from being able to use Stage 3?

Want to Learn More?

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