Managing Someone Who Seems “Helpless"
If a person you are managing continually shows up blaming others, shrugging their shoulders, tossing up their hands, or stating that they have no control over their lot in life, you are likely managing what I call a Helpless Victim.
It can be tempting to try and help them solve whatever the newest victimization is. “My boss doesn’t like me so I never get picked for good projects.” Or, “I can’t get to work on time because everything is going wrong.” Or, “I don’t get promoted because the leadership doesn’t like me.”
Sometimes these challenges can be totally justified. But if you recognize a pattern where it is always someone or something else’s fault, you may want to try a tool that I successfully use in my coaching.
Keep in mind that the person you are working with may actually be dealing with trauma. Coaching is not therapy (even though at times the outcomes may seem similar) and you are not a therapist. If you sense the person needs help from a professional, be courageous, check with human resources, and make that recommendation.
My Coaching Tool is Called Circles of Control
Circles of Control is a tool to help a person break through an obstacle that seems, to them, to be impossible to overcome. The coaching includes working with them to break the big picture issue into 3 smaller categories:
What I have absolute control over
What I have influence over
What is totally outside of my control
I have them draw two circles, creating three areas, on a worksheet (or download the worksheet). For each category, they list everything that comes to mind in response to the prompt:
Let’s Work Through An Example
Consider the situation, “I don’t get promoted because leadership doesn’t like me.” For What I Have Control Over, you might include:
Being prepared for meetings.
Finishing tasks on time.
The quality of my work.
Coming forward with possible solutions rather than complaints.
For What I have influence Over, you might see:
Taking classes to build skills.
Asking for feedback.
Consider looking for a new job.
For What I Have No Control Over, you could add:
Who my boss chooses for a position.
Whether my boss likes me as a person or not.
Often just walking through the steps of this activity empowers the person to see the ways in which they are, in fact, not hopeless. This practice identifies some small steps they can work on to have control over their situation.
I also use this with clients who just need some help seeing the ways their own behaviors and choices impact a situation that seems overwhelming.
To get comfortable using this exercise with others, practice with your own scenarios first.
What is a situation that seems overwhelming or where you feel you have no control?
I’d love to hear what you learn when working with this tool!