Wanting to Change Someone's Behavior
"Lorinda" came to talk to me about a problem she was having with her boss. Every time she provided input that was not aligned with her boss or disagreed with him in a meeting, he would get red in the face, start to yell, slam his laptop shut and storm out of the room.
She questioned what she could do differently to change his reaction. Afterall, the meetings were about problem solving and new solutions, so challenging the old way of doing things was an inherent part of the work.
I asked what she most wanted to say to him. She wanted to tell him how unproductive, unprofessional, and disrespectful his behavior was. As she told me the story, she became red-faced, agitated, and tears began to form. Her voice got louder, and she referred to him with labels such as idiot and childish.
Just in the retelling of the story, she experienced the activation of an emotional hotspot.
This was demonstrated by the physical symptoms that I could see. I inquired if what she was feeling in her body right now felt familiar. She indicated that it did. This is how she began to recognize that when she feels vulnerable or emotionally unsafe, she exhibits expanding behaviors.
I gently asked open ended questions to help sort out the facts from assumptions, fears, projections, and emotions. There were a few times when her body language conveyed what I interpreted as frustration and anger.
I asked, “What thoughts are you having right now?”
“I’m really frustrated. I’m regretting talking about this. I just want to get up and leave right now."
In this moment, it was essential that I put grace in the space, taking a deep breath and exhaling, bringing my own energy back to center.
What do you notice about Lorinda’s emotional energy?
Do you see any similarities between what she states as her desire to get up and leave our session and her boss's behavior of storming out when he feels questioned or challenged?
Shrinking and expanding tendencies exist in all of us based on our core emotional hotspots.
When I inquired about the desire to get up, I asked if this feeling was something she’d experienced before. She indicated that it was.
Often, the behavioral tendencies that others exhibit are ones that activate a similar emotional hotspot within you.
Our work together focused on Lorinda understanding that the only person she can manage is herself.
And that her boss was going to behave in whatever way he behaved. A conversation with him may or may not change his behavior or increase his awareness of how he is impacting others. That’s okay because the goal is for Lorinda to be able to manage herself in the way that she wants.
Given that truth, my question for Lorinda was, “What do you want to say to your boss?”
She identified 3 or 4 key facts about his observable behavior and how it impacted her ability to be productive and for the team to hit their goals. She prepared her dialogue, letting go of any attachment that what she said would “change” her boss. That is his work. She instead focused on speaking her own truth with empathy and compassion and a focus on the good of the whole.
A few days later Lorinda let me know that she did have the conversation with her boss.
She was able to ground herself and proceed with empathy and openness. She stated her facts:
“When you storm out of a meeting, it essentially ends the meeting, and it is hard to regain focus. Forward progress becomes more difficult because at least for me, it is an uncomfortable situation with lingering impact. I’d like to ask what is happening for you when you do that?”
This statement of fact followed with curiosity began a dialogue between Lorinda and her boss in which he was able to verbalize some fears that he was experiencing, and Lorinda was able to have empathy toward him where she previously felt anger and frustration.
I’d like to tell you that everyone was healed and the relationship between them moved forward in a very healthy and positive way. But that’s not what happened. What did happen was that Lorinda let go of the attachment to wanting him to be different. She also stopped talking about his behavior as if it were personal and about her. She looked at his behavior more objectively. And eventually, she chooses to move on to another position where she does not have to endure this behavior.
The practice of getting clean and clear around your own communication reveals where your own core emotional hotspots are actually causing you to shrink or expand in response to someone else’s hotspots. When this happens, attachments can develop that almost create such a deep drive to wanting to change the other person that we forget that we only have the power to change ourselves. It is the other person’s work and the other person’s journey to determine how they want to show up.
This is what was happening for Lorinda.
She was so focused on getting her boss to see and acknowledge how wrong his behavior was, that she was forgetting that the only person she can manage is herself. When she regained that perspective through the NCD coaching work, she was able to say what she wanted to say in a clean, clear and fact-based way and then make choices for herself.
This is the power of NCD
NCD is a practice, and I use these tools nearly every day. The next time you're feeling challenged by someone's behavior, keep these tips in mind:
Instead of jumping into drama, become an observer and notice where you see other people engaging in drama that could easily be avoided by sticking to the facts and letting go of the story.
Shift to curiosity if you feel yourself becoming defensive, tempted to blame others, or wanting to shut down and disappear.