We All Get Stuck in Tug of Wars

Recently I was struggling. I was experiencing conflict between myself and someone I care about. We were determining some next steps in a situation, but couldn’t agree on a path forward. 

Everytime we had a discussion, it ended in defensiveness. Each of us were focusing on our own perception of what steps to take. Each of us showed up to protect our stance. Each of us was fearful of what it would mean to lose or give up on our position.

I felt stuck and frustrated. The feeling of being stuck began to creep into many other aspects of my life. I wanted to get unstuck but didn’t see how that could happen. I didn't have the insight to do it by myself.

I knew I needed some outside guidance to find my way through this emotional place. Having witnessed the experience of a friend, I chose to go to a CranialSacral/Somato Emotional Healing therapist. 

What the heck is that, you ask? 

I had no real idea when I went. But I soon learned that this therapy is a combination of massage on the physical body where stuck energy shows up as pain. When pain was encountered the therapist asked some questions and cues. The result was the release of stuck energy from past injuries and negative emotional experiences that were causing fear, blocking my ability to let down my defenses in this present matter.

My point in communicating about this is not to encourage you to partake in the same process I did, but to highlight how much past experiences inform our ability to have peace in the present. 

We often assume that however we are reacting to a current challenge is just about the present. But the truth is that most often all of our past experiences inform how we react or respond in the present. 

The similarities between this process and Stage 1 of the Navigating Challenging Dialogue® process stuck out for me.

My takeaway was that I didn’t have to push against the other person. It wouldn’t serve me to “win”. And one winner and one loser wouldn’t help us to become unstuck. What did help was greater understanding of how to adopt a position other than needing to win. It helped to simply send love toward them and empathy for their own process. Choosing this strategy was more healthy and more loving toward myself as well. And much easier on me. 

As I often say to others, I just had to let go of the rope in the tug of war. In doing so, tension was relieved for both of us. Letting go of the rope doesn’t mean giving up on my vision, hopes, and dreams. But it means letting go of the tension that is keeping me stuck so both of us can find our way forward.

We all get stuck in tug of wars. 

It’s partly ego. Partly the patterns we’ve learned. Partly, it’s our socialization, which teaches that in conflict there must be a winner and a loser — and that being the winner is most important. 

But most of the time, tugging and pulling isn’t the pathway to move through a challenge. Some things are worth fighting for. But some things are better served by sending love into the hard places to loosen them up. Love for yourself and love for others. 

Stage 1 of the Navigating Challenging Dialogue process is a tool that helps you explore what you are holding onto: what assumptions, biases and past experiences are informing how you are showing up in the here and now. It invites you to learn more about what is causing you discomfort or making you stuck. 

To learn more about about Stage 1, and the full NCD Process, order my book, Turn This Conversation Around: The 4-Stage Process for Communication with Connection. 

Note: This is not a recommendation for CranialSacral/Somato Emotional healing. It is up to each person to research and explore what methods and modalities appeal to them.