When the Person Just Isn't Likable
A question came up in the recent Navigating Challenging Dialogue® Essentials class and it is such a valuable question, I thought I’d answer it for everyone:
“How do you approach a challenging dialogue with someone who you just don’t like?”
I’m grateful for the vulnerability the participant demonstrated asking this raw and real question.
No matter how much we want to tell ourselves otherwise, there are just some people who aren’t likable.
This varies from person to person. Someone you like may just rub me the wrong way. And that is okay, it is a reality of being human.
However, we are often in a position as a manager, teammate, or family member, or at a social gathering, where we must still engage whether we like them or not.
And even more importantly, as a manager or leader your dislike has to stay out of the equation. You must be neutral, that’s your job. But this is so much easier said than done.
Here is the truth about people who get under your skin:
Most of the time, they are reflecting something back at you a behavior or mindset of your own that you're uncomfortable with.
As Michael Brown shares in his book, “The Presence Process”, people show up in our lives as messengers to show us what we need to work on. The key is to get the message without shooting the messenger.
Ugh, right? Who wants to hear that? I sure did not.
But once I started viewing people who annoy me, or I generally don’t like, through that lens, I was able to engage with them from a place of self-reflection and gratitude. Not overtly but internally, by dropping into curiosity about the message. This allowed me to let go of the tension of feeling forced to engage with someone I do not like.
Now there will be people whose behavior is so morally misaligned or hurtful to others that not liking them is impossible to overcome.
For those people, I try to remember that at one time, they were somebody’s baby. They were full of innocence, naivety, and promise. And while I don’t like who they’ve become, they are human. That is our commonality.
It is through that lens, focused on how we are the same – rather than how we are different – where I am able to separate the behaviors from the human. This allows me to have dialogue about the behaviors that are difficult for me.
When my brain is hung up on why I don’t like them, or “should I like them”, or wanting them to be different, I am stuck in a tension that prohibits me from engaging.
NCD teaches us to initially prepare for tough conversations by reflecting on these questions:
What is it I want for myself as a result of this conversation?
What is it I want for the other person?
What do I want for us together?
What do I want for the greater good?
The key is knowing that this exercise is about me - not them. I can express my desire to them but I have absolutely no control over how they receive that message. I must detach from their choices. It is their journey not mine.
These are the practices that I adhere to when dealing with someone who I don’t like. It really isn’t their responsibility to show up in a way that I am comfortable with or like. It is my responsibility to understand what the message is for me.