Are You an Interrupter?
Are you an interrupter? I know I am. I get really excited about my own thoughts, the connections that I make between what someone else is saying and what I’m thinking. I love a fast-paced conversation where everyone is engaged and rifting off ideas.
But, guess what. That kind of energy doesn’t work for everyone and certainly doesn’t work in every situation. Often it is interpreted as taking up too much space in the conversation.
Years ago the company I worked at was getting ready for a company-wide strategic planning session. I was so excited. I had ideas. I had energy. And I couldn’t wait to show everyone how valuable I was.
The day before the event my boss told me that I was going to stay back and answer phones while everyone else met. Her reasoning she said was because, “You are so good with the customers.”
I was livid and deeply disappointed. In hindsight I realize she wasn’t being completely honest with me.
The truth was that I was left out because my energy didn’t lend itself to a brainstorming environment where everyone has space to contribute. Essentially, I took up more than my share of space in the room. I didn’t listen well. I didn’t engage with curiosity. I didn’t make conscious choices about when to speak and when to listen. And I interrupted and talked over others.
I thought I was being proactive and proving myself. I wish that my boss had the courage and skillfulness to give me direct feedback about how the way I engaged in meetings was holding me back. Instead it took me a few more years to figure it out on my own.
I’m sure that she was concerned that I wouldn’t handle the feedback any better than I handled being told I was to stay back. And she was probably right. But direct feedback could have saved us both a lot of grief over the next year or so that I reported to her.
If you aren’t sure if you are someone whose energy and enthusiasm holds you back, do the following exercise over the next few weeks.
Observe your own energy. Do you interrupt? Do you feel the need to have an opinion on every idea expressed? Do you get so excited that you talk right over others?
Notice if others engage more or begin to shut down when you are excited.
When you feel compelled to say something (compelled meaning really feel like it is critical that you interject, interrupt or “play the devil's advocate”), ask yourself these 3 Checklist Questions:
Does what I’m going to say need to be said?
Does it need to be said by me?
Does it need to be said by me right now?
Oftentimes, if you are feeling compelled to say something, that compulsion is driven by the feeling of being left behind, not seen, or worried someone else may get credit for our thought or idea.
Going through the 3 Checklist Questions above helps create space between the compulsion and actually speaking. This space is something that frequent interrupters are uncomfortable with. Learning to become comfortable with that space is important.
If the answer is “yes”, it does need to be said by me right now, find a way to turn the statement into a curious question.
For example, “We already tried that and it didn’t work” can easily be shifted to, “Have you had experience with this in the past? Can you share more about that?”
People who are seen as collaborators, high performing team members, and people you want to have a seat at the table, are people who manage their own energy in ways that hold space for others.
Is that how you’d like to be known? I know for me, it made a world of difference.
To learn more about managing your own energy, get a copy of my book, Turn This Conversation Around: The 4-Stage Process for Communication with Connection.