Are you missing someone?
I’ve been diligently finishing my newest book,Turn This Conversation Around – The 4-Stage Process for Communication with Connection. The timing is perfect because, now more than ever, the world needs a pathway to connection through dialogue.
A survey done in 2021 showed that close to 84 million Americans have parted ways with one or more significant people in their lives due to conflicts over values and political differences. For some it is the neighbor who helps you out from time to time. For others it is the coworker with whom you bantered at the water cooler. And for others it might be the aunt or uncle who you’ve known since childhood and saw every holiday. Many of us are grieving these losses.
Writing this book has been a goal of mine for over 10 years. There have been many starts and stops. But I was determined to wrap my hands around it and finish it now because we desperately need to know how to dialogue without blowing up relationships, especially when we don’t agree.
The book will be available for purchase this fall. For now, here is an excerpt that shows the magic of NCD.
At the beginning of every NCD workshop, participants are asked to bring up a tough conversation they need to have but are resisting or avoiding. The pandemic and the debate over masking and vaccinations have created rifts in families and between friends and coworkers.
Here is an example of a difficult conversation one workshop participant avoided.
“I need to have a conversation with my brother. He doesn’t believe in the vaccine and says he won’t get it. I’m expecting my first baby in a month, and my doctor has told me that the baby should not be around anyone who isn’t vaccinated.
“The last time I tried to talk to my brother about getting vaccinated, he became angry and defensive. It didn’t go well. That was before I had been told by my doctor about not letting him see the baby unless he was vaccinated.
“I know that he is fully expecting to meet his nephew. Now I must tell him he can’t. But it is more than that even. I’ve always envisioned him and my children sharing a special bond. Now that feels impossible because he is too stubborn. I’m completely heartbroken and disappointed that he just won’t do this even for me, that his own nephew isn’t important enough. I have no idea how to convince him to get vaccinated.”
As she shared this story, her voice cracked. Her emotion was palpable. We began working together to separate the fears, emotions, and assumptions from her story as she presented it.
After working the NCD Process, she realized that the conversation she needed to have with him wasn’t actually about his choices regarding vaccination. It was about the doctor’s recommendation for the health and wellness of the baby. She had what she needed to turn this conversation around from an argument about politics and vaccines to her desire for her brother to meet her baby.
She contacted me a few days later to say that she had talked to her brother, and it went like this:
“I love you, and I am eager for you to meet the baby as soon as possible. However, I’ve learned that only people who are vaccinated can visit in person. I am hoping that you will be able to visit.”
She said that her brother responded that he would get vaccinated and that he couldn’t wait to meet his new nephew.
She explained the huge change for her like this:
“In the past, I would have approached him trying to convince him to get vaccinated and telling him how hurtful it was that he would not. We would have ended up in an argument about vaccinations. This time I was very clear and kind in communicating the facts. Thank you for this, Beth. This process feels magical.”
What relationships or connections are you missing? What relationships and connections do you want to hold on to?
There are times when shutting someone out of your life is the right decision. And other times there are relationship worth saving, even though you don’t agree on everything. Learn to participate in tough conversations that build connections, not break them down. This is what NCD is all about.