What happened? Why did I behave like that?

Do you ever walk away from a conversation wondering, “What happened? Why did I behave like that?”​

If you are human, it is likely you have been surprised by your own behavior. Maybe you lashed out at someone, or blamed them harshly, or even got mad and stormed off. It happens to all of us from time to time, when we react based on what I refer to as an emotional hotspot.

Emotional hotspots can be recognized by the overwhelming need to take some kind of action to protect your sense of self. This protection comes in many forms. You may either shrink (shut down, become speechless, rush out of the room) or expand (lash out, name call, blame others, or use sarcasm). Regardless of what actions you’re driven to take, the result is usually damage to a relationship and residual feelings of shame or regret for you.

If you keep experiencing the same reactions whenever you feel vulnerable or insecure, you may wonder, “Why does this keep happening to me?”

In my newest book, Turn This Conversation Around - The 4-Stage Process For Communication with Connection, I share true stories of how emotional hotspots have had a negative impact in a variety of situations. You learn how to recognize your own emotional hotspots, and how to calm them while choosing a new course of action.

Here is an excerpt from the book:

In NCD, reactions to psychological threats are called emotional hotspotsand they can become activated at lightning speed. One moment, we are engaged in a calm, simple conversation. And in the next moment, we are trying to protect ourselves from something someone else said. 

Emotional hotspots can also activate as our mind replays conversations or situations that have already occurred or are expected to occur.

When an emotional hotspot is activated, it requires intentionality, practice, and some specific tools to put it on pause. Developing self-awareness enables us to recognize what is happening, intentionally pause, and then choose how to respond.

If the emotional hotspot is not disrupted, the amygdala drives what happens next. This is when communication goes off track and we say things or take actions that are likely to result in shame, guilt, and unhealthy conflict.

Conversations about money can often cause emotional hotspots to activate, both in business and personal life. Money carries a lot of emotional meaning and is also tied to our sense of security and safety. In the work world, there are many opportunities for emotional hotspots to become activated around money. When having a conversation about sales projections and revenue, it is easy for people to become defensive, angry, or even avoid the conversation.

During a conflict, when reacting to an activated emotional hotspot, we can become red in the face and try to blame other people or other circumstances. Often, any trust that has been created is destroyed. We must all learn how to manage our emotional hotspots so we can have the conversations that are necessary while maintaining our connection and positive relationships with each other.

Does any of this feel familiar to you? It probably does — simply because you are human. By practicing NCD, you can calm emotional hotspots and choose how you respond. 

This fall, you can learn the entire NCD Process in Turn This Conversation Around: The 4-Stage Process for Communication with Connection. Sign up today to be notified when my new book goes on sale: https://NCDsolution.com/ttcabook