Languishing

How can I motivate my team when I feel like I can barely get through the day myself?

This dilemma has come up in more than one coaching session lately.

Here’s the truth: You can’t.

​A recent article in the New York Times by Adam Grant talks about the phenomenon of “languishing”, something many of us are experiencing. It is different from depression.

It is the feeling of apathy caused by the belief that we are just marking time until things turn a corner, improve, or go back to what was before. The apathy leads to a lack of focus which makes every task feel even more overwhelming than it was before.

There is a pretty good chance that you and those you work with are experiencing some degree of languishing.

It is marked by behaviors like staying up too late binge watching tv or catching yourself playing games online midday, even though you know that these behaviors will impact your ability to hit your goals or the energy you need to deal with the pressures of work.

Another indicator of languishing is isolating yourself from others. With the impending return to the office, the hesitation (or even dread) to go back to the workplace likely will be amplified.

What can you do to shift that?

The brain loves to feel accomplishment and control.

Set certain times during the week that are blocked as “no meeting” times. These are times that you and your team can focus on making significant progress on project work. The feeling of accomplishment and progress will help.

Schedule and take your paid time off. Encourage others to do the same. By modeling vacation and rest, you are letting them know that you see the value, even when the work is mounting up.

Stop communication outside of normal work hours. You may not intend for your team to answer until the next business day, but chances are they will. So it's up to you to set and hold the boundaries.

Invest time in a few things you love doing versus what you feel you “should” be doing. Even if it means doing absolutely nothing!

Engage in conversations with your team about how you are finding joy and ask them how they are doing the same.

The exhaustion and overwhelm your team is experiencing is real, just as it is for you. Faking that you are motivated and energized in order to try and manipulate them into the same false state isn’t going to help.

It’s okay to say, “Yes. I feel it too, and here are the steps I’m taking to support myself. What might you do?”

What steps you’re taking to support yourself?

5 Ways to Engage Quiet Staff in Meetings

I was asked how a leader could get quiet team members to speak up more in meetings. The truth is, change doesn’t begin with the quiet team members, but with you.

The secret to encouraging engagement and participation rests with you and your skillfulness in 5 specific areas:

1. Setting People Up for Success

2. Creating an Emotionally Save Environment

3. Be trustworthy

4. Increase Your Own Comfort with Silence

5. Reinforce Positive Behaviors With Feedback

Leaders who take time to build their own skillfulness in these areas will ultimately lead meetings where engagement is high

Strategy 1: Set People Up for Success by Setting the Stage

Begin each meeting by talking about expected behavior norms, such as showing up in the stretch zone. You know you are in your stretch zone when you experience a little discomfort but not panic. When we’re working within the stretch zone, we are able to build new neural pathways, process new information, and develop new behaviors.

Invite each person to consider how they will show up in their stretch zone. Remind them that the most interesting part of the stretch zone is that no one but you can tell which zone you are in and if you are stretching yourself or not. This is a chance to take risks, self-manage and empower yourself. Here are some examples: 

• If you are someone who generally speaks a great deal or volunteers first, you may want to try showing up in a bit more of a listening and observing mode. 

• If you are someone who rarely volunteers or speaks in meetings, you may want to stretch yourself by speaking up or volunteering, even when it's uncomfortable.

Sometimes as an opening activity I ask each person to write down one goal indicating how they will stretch during the meeting. 

Strategy 2: Creating an Emotionally Save Environment

It is critical to create an emotionally safe environment for individuals to contribute. One way you can do this is by observing the body language of participants. 

Many times people who are invited to contribute at just the right time, jump in. If you see someone shift in their seat, turn on their mic, change their facial expression or make eye contact, this means they are open to an invitation to speak. A simple, non-threatening invitation such as, “James, do have something to share?” allows the person to step forward with ease or bow out with grace. 

Also, pay attention to those who haven’t yet spoken and reach out to them. For example, “Sylvia, what are your thoughts on this?”  Asking for a contribution in a very low risk way for someone to stretch and contribute. 

Strategy 3: Be Trustworthy 

When people do speak up, they are trusting that you will take care of them. If they aren’t sure they can trust you with their ego, pride, or reputation when they take the risk to speak, they will not take the chance.

Trust is built one conversation at a time and one experience at a time. And it is destroyed in the same way. How you react or respond to others demonstrates your trustworthiness to the team. If you are abrupt or somehow embarrass or shame someone when they do speak up, it is a signal to everyone else to be careful when engaging. 

Likewise, It is very risky to use sarcasm, humor, or to make jokes at anyone’s expense. This puts everyone in an uncomfortable position. While it may feel that the mood is temporarily lightened, these negative communication strategies will erode trust. While everyone may laugh at the “joke”, inside they are feeling empathy for the target and concerned that they may be your next victim.

Most of the time, they are not laughing with you. They are laughing in order to protect themselves.

Strategy 4: Increase Your Own Comfort with Silence

Most everyone in a group processes information and forms thoughts at a different pace. So while it may seem that some people are habitually quiet, it may be that you as the leader, process information at a faster rate. Some people come up with their best contributions after the topic has already changed. They may be unsure how to interject their insights later down the road.

Don’t be afraid of silence. And don’t assume it means no one is going to speak up. Become comfortable with silent pauses after you ask a question or ask for feedback. Notice if your tendency is to fill the silence yourself. When you do that, you give others an out and decrease the chances they will step up.

Strategy 5: Reinforce Positive Behaviors With Feedback 

After the meeting ends, circle back with individuals who did contribute and let them know specifically how their contribution mattered. 

“Sara, when you shared how you solved that problem, it really helped others to understand how they could do the same. Thank you”. 

When you are providing this kind of feedback it is essential to do it as soon as possible, be as specific and fact-based as possible, and be clear how the positive behavior supported the group. 

Experiment with implementing these strategies. Overtime, you will notice that people will begin to speak up and contribute with more confidence.

How to Stop the "Should" Shovel

Many people experience an excess of strife by constantly responding to the shoulds in their life.

I Should, You Should, They Should

When we use the word “Should”, it invites all kinds of outside pressure, and it negatively influences our connection with ourself and with those around us.

Have you noticed how “shoulds” frequently manifest as statements of what others believe “is best,” yet they really just restrict and minimize us?

What Shoveling “Shoulds” Looks Like

I was having dinner with a couple who’ve been together for many years; I’ll call them Dan and Trisha. We were talking about an exciting kayaking workshop they were going to be taking soon. They were so full of joy about the impending trip when the conversation turned into this:

Dan: “Hey you know, that kayaking workshop is coming up really soon.”

Trish: “Yeah, I know. You should call for directions.”

Dan: “Oh, yeah, I can do that.”

Trish: “And we need a to get some more supplies. You should double check the list.”

Dan: “Okay, I should probably go over the instructions one more time and practice some of the skills. I hope I’m ready. I should be better by now.”

Trisha : “I know, I should probably get out on the water one more time and practice drills. And you should think about seeing if your brother can work with us a bit more. What if everyone else is in the group is ahead of us?”

Dan, getting more and more deflated by the mounting task list: “Yes. I should get in touch with him. Why did we decide to do this now? There isn’t enough time to be ready.”

Their conversation began with excitement about the event and devolved into an increasing amount of pressure born of obligations and looming responsibilities.

Suddenly, Dan said, “Hey, wait a minute. Stop shoveling shoulds!”

Then they both dissolved into peals of laughter.

Dan explained to me that “shoveling shoulds” is the terminology they use to stop language where one person creates expectations without prior agreement by the other person, setting the stage for frustration, anger, and resentment.

They then made a commitment to sit down the next night to create a prioritized list of all they desire to get done before they leave and to brainstorm options to collaboratively move through the list.

Where “Shoulds” Show Up Everyday

Well-meaning social media posts fuel thoughts of “I’m not enough” and foster thinking errors like “I should be doing more” or “I should be trying harder”.

Millions of marketing dollars are spent by businesses trying to motivate the public into buying products and services — often with promises of making you “feel better”. The reality is that those images and messages more often trigger an “I’m not enough” feeling, and it’s having devastating effects on the public’s mental health and wellness.

“Should” takes us out of being in the present moment and it moves us to either the future or the past. We lose our connection to what is happening right now, taking us further from—not closer to—our best selves.

What’s Lurking in the “Shoulds”

Think of the last time you used the word “should” as in “I should” or “You should.”

What were you fearing?

“Shoulds” are a result of unhealthy conflict, resistance, fear, and regret. I know there are many times I hear myself saying, “You should…” and then I quickly realize that I use it out of fear the other person will make the wrong decision. I have no evidence they will make the wrong decision because they’ve been making great decisions in their lives for many years. The important detail here is “their lives.”

5 Steps to Drop the “Shoulds” Shovel

• Practice hearing the word “should.” Listen for it. Notice it. Become aware of it.

• Before you dismiss the word, notice how it feels in your body when you hear it or say it.

• Consider if the language has you feeling constricted and limited or expansive and free?

• Play with ways to reframe or use language that feels positive, expansive, and freeing in your body.

• Ask clarifying questions like: “Why shouldn’t I?” “Or why should I?”, creating an opportunity for choice and options.

How Do You Turn It Around?

I am still working to not “shovel shoulds” onto the proverbial plate of my own or others. I strive to consciously correct myself by doing a turnaround on the language I’m using and to notice the thought I had right before I shoveled the should: was it really about control, manipulation, fear, or shame?

The next time you hear yourself shoveling shoulds, try the steps above to turnaround the language.

Here are some examples:

• If you hear yourself saying, “I should lose 10 lbs”, reframe it as “I could make choices that would help me lose 10 lbs and here are some of them.”

• If you hear yourself saying, “I should stay and work late on that project” reframe it as “If I chose to stay late and work on that project the benefit would be ____.”

• If you hear yourself saying, “I should have a larger retirement account by now” reframe it as “I choose to create a plan to increase my retirement savings now, and here is a list of simple ways I can cut back expenses and increase savings.”

“No Shoulds Allowed”

I invite you to begin a conscious practice of directly and clearly rejecting any “should” from yourself or others. For me, when I hear the word should (originating from me or externally), I question it, then change the language or dismiss it.

Should limits possibility, minimizes empowerment, and stunts connection.

Imagine all the new space and energy you will have for creative thinking, innovative problem-solving, and collaboration, helping you to feel better and be aligned with forward movement!

Let’s all lay down that “should” shovel!

-Beth

Calming the Anger Hot Spot

Highlights

• Anger: the good news and the bad news (0:25)

• How we try to deal with our anger (and what happens instead) (1:45)

• What would happen if the target of your anger went away? (4:30)

• How to take care of your anger – and yourself (7:40)

• A last word + a worksheet (15:45)

Calming the Anger Hot Spot

Today I want to talk about a topic that doesn’t get a lot of attention, but it seems to be bubbling up in lots of places, and that’s Anger.

Anger: The Good News and the Bad News

Many of us walk around with anger, and there are a lot of good uses for anger, and there are a lot of appropriate times to be angry. So, I’m not trying to minimize or dismiss anybody’s authentic anger or outrage – there is a lot to be outraged about, and there’s a lot of value in that.

What I’m talking about today is anger more in terms of a slow-brewing, simmering, right-below-the-surface kind of emotional hot spot that can sometimes get triggered within us and manifest in ways we really don’t feel good about, and we don’t want to happen.

It can also show up in ways that hold you back from the things you want. Your anger’s manifestations can hold you back from—

• A promotion you’re hoping for,

• Being put on the team that you want to be on,

• Retaining the job that you have,

• Relationships that are important to you, or

• Connections that have value in your life.

How We Try to Deal with Our Anger (and What Happens Instead)

So, how do we deal with that kind of anger?

Here’s something that a client presented to me, and we’re going to use their scenario for our talking point today. She said—

“Beth, I love my work, but I have so much anger towards my director that it’s impacting our working relationship. This anger that I feel causes me continual anxiety and stress, and I’m pretty sure it’s damaging our relationship and my reputation within this company.

“I’ve tried everything! I’ve tried to hide it; I’ve tried to mask it. I try to pretend it’s not there, and I try to get over it, but I keep having these emotional hot spots, and my anger keeps coming out again and again and again. I feel like it happens every time I see his face or hear his voice. Beth, what can I do to get rid of this anger?”

I hear statements like these from my clients all the time, over and over again. Why?

Because anger is one of those key emotional hot spots that gets manifested whenever we’re feeling our ego is getting attacked in some way, right?

Maybe we feel like we’re being found out. Maybe we feel embarrassed. Maybe we’re feeling really vulnerable or insecure. Perhaps somebody is operating in a place that’s really not aligned with our personal values, and so we feel our values are at risk.

In the work environment, most of us try to suppress or deny the anger we’re experiencing because … well, it’s not really appropriate. But through that suppression – through that denial – more anger and more resentment get generated. From that suppression, anger sneaks out sideways when we’re least expecting it, and that’s what I call an emotional hot spot.

Ultimately, suppressed anger is one of the primary ways that our relationships get destroyed, our careers are stalled, and our reputations go in directions that we were not intending.

What Would Happen If the Target of Your Anger Went Away?

I always ask clients, “What would be the best possible thing that I could do for you to get rid of your anger once and for all?”

And they all point to the target of their anger and say, “If [ target ] were obliterated, I would be fine.” Of course, they don’t use that example. Things they say are—

• “If my director were fired tomorrow, I’d be great!”

• “If I never had to work with so-and-so again, that would be perfect.”

• “If that customer would just start shopping somewhere else, I’d be in great shape.”

You see, many of us carry the false belief that the anger is about the target. But in reality, the target is simply justifying our anger and the energy of the anger we feel in our body.

And wouldn’t it be lovely if simply saying good riddance to the target of our anger was enough to make it so that we never had to have that feeling again? But that’s not how it works.

So, I want you to think about this right now…

Is there currently someone in your life who, when you think about them, you feel so much anger toward their very existence that it creates an obstacle for you? It puts a roadblock on your pathway to success or happiness or feeling valued – whatever it is.

Is there someone who, when you just think about them, causes you to feel the kind of energy that you’ve labeled as anger?

I’d bet there is – I have one or two of those people myself! We all do.

But here’s the truth: that person is simply showing up as a messenger for you with what they’re trying to help you see.

They do not know it, of course, but what they’re trying to help you get in touch with are the emotions that are beneath your anger. There are secondary emotions that we often do not want to deal with. Predominantly, those are sadness and fear and everything that falls out underneath them.

You’ve probably heard me say many times before that the only person you can ever truly manage or change is yourself.

So, if the person you’ve identified as the target of your anger were obliterated tomorrow, guess what would be left?

You and all those feelings beneath your anger. It would all still be there; that’s the simple truth.

How to Take Care of Your Anger – and Yourself

So, how do you take care of yourself and your anger?

The first thing is to ask yourself: “Hm. There’s that feeling again. What is it that I feel sad about?” Sadness can be all kinds of things. It can be disappointment, grief, a feeling of being left out, or something else. It can be anything that brings up sadness for you.

Also ask: “What about the situation with this person am I feeling fearful about?” If the person you’re angry about is someone who holds the ability to give you a bad performance evaluation, perhaps it’s fear about losing your job. If there’s someone who you feel like you need in your life, but you depend on them and you want to be more self-sufficient, then maybe your fear is that they’ll leave and you’ll be left on your own.

When any of those types of things – those fears and sadnesses and everything underneath them – are combined, we get anger. And that anger keeps us from having to feel the feelings that are below it, those deeper feelings.

So, what are the steps you can take to work on your anger for yourself without having to do anything to change the other person or the other person’s situation?

Step 1. Accept that anger is not a pure emotion

Step 2. Accept that anger is a combination of two very powerful emotions: Fear and Sadness.

Step 3. Ask yourself two more simple (yet really powerful) questions.

The first question is: “What is in this feeling that I’m having that’s about fear?” or “What am I fearful about as related to this situation?”

Here are some things I hear from clients when they’re asked this question—

• “I’m fearful that my director doesn’t share the same goals that I do for our program.”

• “I’m really committed to the outcomes that I believe are the right ones, and I came here to work for a director who shares that belief, but he left right after I arrived! I’m super-mad about that because I’m not sure my current director and I hold the same goals. I’m fearful and sad that if things don’t work out, I might have to start my career over again in a whole new place.”

• “I’m fearful that I’m beginning to be seen as difficult or shut down, and that is not the way I want to be seen.”

• “I’m fearful that this relationship is not going to turn out to be the perfect relationship that I so desperately want. I thought it would be, and now I’m afraid that maybe I’m just not able to be in successful relationships.”

Those are just some of the things that I hear from clients when I ask them that simple-yet-powerful question: “What are you most fearful about within this situation?”

The second question to ask yourself is: “What about this situation is bringing up sadness?” or “What am I most sad about within all of this anger?”

Here are some things that clients tell me about their underlying sadness—

• “I’m so sad that the organization is headed in a different direction than the one I feel like I worked so hard for.”

• “I’m feeling deep disappointment that the mentor I came to work for left right after I arrived.”

• “I am so disheartened that this company that I put on a pedestal – I couldn’t wait to work within its culture and with the work that it’s doing – is really quite different from what I thought it was – and more flawed than I originally believed.

• “My heart hurts when I realize that my hope for this relationship may not be fulfilled in all of the ways I dreamed about.”

Notice if your energy begins to shift as you acknowledge where you’re feeling fear and sadness.

4. Find grace and forgiveness.

We spend so much time waiting and hoping for apologies from the people who are the targets of our anger and the people we believe have wronged us. And the longer we wait – without getting – the apology that we believe will set us free, the more our anger grows.

But I want you to remember this: The only person you can manage, shift, or change is yourself. The only person there is any value in holding expectations for is yourself.

So, from both of those two powerful questions and their answers, you’re now going to begin to uncover things you just may want to forgive yourself for. So, here are some examples—

• “I forgive myself for deciding to come to work here under someone who I had no idea was heading out.”

• “I forgive myself for blowing up at my partner when their behavior wasn’t aligned with what I had set as expectations for them. I forgive myself for setting expectations for someone else that they did not agree to.”

• “I forgive myself for shutting down and withholding information when I was asked for input on something that I didn’t agree with.”

• “I forgive myself for responding to feedback in a way that was neither professional nor helpful.”

What I’m trying to communicate to you is that self-care and self-management are about giving yourself the apology or the acknowledgment that you really want from someone else. Expecting an apology or acknowledgment from someone else is trying to manage someone else, and—

• The only person you can ever truly manage is yourself,

• The only person you can truly make amends with is yourself, and

• The only person you can truly change is yourself.

A Last Word + A Free Worksheet

Each of us feels anger at different times based on different things that bring up emotional hot spots for us: other people’s personalities, behaviors, or expectations, and our expectations of other people. Many, many things can bring up our anger.

But when you are able to stop, take a breath, and do some self-inquiry, you’ll feel some of the resonance of that anger lift away, and you’ll be able to take some action steps that matter.

Because I know that many of you will want to delve a little deeper into this and maybe even do some self-development into this topic, we provided this really easy worksheet that you can download for free and use as many times as you want.

 Until next time!

- Beth

10 Ways to Feel More Connected

What we talked about at the end of last summer is just as true today -- and perhaps more than ever before. So, as we stand on the leading edge of spring, let's revisit 10 ways to feel more connected to the world, other people, and especially yourself...

Highlights

• Be with people you can be authentic around (1:25)

• Stop hanging onto things that no longer feed your soul (1:55)

• Make decisions, and make them work (3:00)

• Don’t put big energy into small worries (4:35)

• Don’t start a negotiation with No (6:05)

• Don’t be the expert (7:15)

• Show the victim to the door (8:35)

• Give the gift of clarity (10:05)

• Don’t allow one thing to define you (11:30)

• Realize that the problem is always you (12:40)

• Your turn… (14:05)

10 Ways to Feel More Connected

There’s a lot going on in the world right now. There’s a lot of opportunity for feeling disconnected or choosing to shut down and have less connection.

I often hear from people that there are friends, coworkers, and even family members who they no longer feel the same level of connection with because of disagreements, differences of opinion, different worldviews, or conflict.

So, today, I want to focus on some simple strategies that will help you experience a deeper sense of connection and a deeper sense of peace. So, here we go with 10 strategies for feeling more connected…

1. BE WITH PEOPLE YOU CAN BE AUTHENTIC AROUND

If you can’t be honest with someone and have your thoughts and opinions heard, then find other people to be around who you can – they’re out there.

The challenge is, if you pretend for too long, you’re going to end up losing yourself.

2. STOP HANGING ON TO THINGS THAT NO LONGER FEED YOUR SOUL

Just because you don’t want to go through the stress or discomfort of letting them go is no reason to hang on to them. 

Initial discomfort is inevitable. There’s grief, and that grief can be very real, but the space that’s created when we let go is a space available for new things to drop in. The key here is to be okay with the empty space for as long as it takes, and then to be discerning with what you allow to fill it.

Being in charge of how you prioritize your time and how you feed your curiosity is really empowering.

3. MAKE DECISIONS, AND MAKE THEM WORK

The second you start ruminating on negative thoughts, crippling memories, or former pain and discomfort, you are choosing to send yourself down a rabbit hole. And do you know what awaits you in that hole? Darkness, dirt, and a maze of tunnels that brings you back up quite close to the place where you dove in.

So, instead, analyze what it is about the decision or current situation that makes you uncomfortable. If it feels like it didn’t work out or it’s not going well, figure out what learning you can apply. Consider what you wish you’d done differently back then, and then apply it to your life now.

Don’t just vow to show up differently, analyze each of the learnings from your past to determine which new behaviors or skills you will try to get a different result now and in the future.

4. DON’T PUT BIG ENERGY INTO SMALL WORRIES

Play by the If I’m Going To Forget About This Within A Week, I’m Not Going To Waste My Energy By Worrying About It Now rule. 

Sometimes, when I’m sitting at a traffic light, I’ll feel really stressed out about hitting that red light. I’m trying to get somewhere; I’m trying to do something; stopped at a light is not where I want to be in that moment.

But in those moments, when I feel that energy and angst are coming up from me, I ask myself: “Will I remember this moment an hour from now, a week from now, a year from now?”

In other words, if I spend my time being stressed out, angry, or annoyed about this, how will that impact my future? If the answer is not at all, minimally, or I won’t even remember the experience, then I choose to spend that time being peaceful, joyful, and relaxed.

5. DON’T START A NEGOTIATION WITH “NO”

Many times, I’ve interacted with people where, when an idea is shared with them, or they’re asked a question or presented with an opportunity, the first word out of their mouth is No.

I recommend starting with curiosity. Give yourself a break between hearing the new information and saying no. Remember: Grace is in the space!

Instead of starting with a no, ask, “Oh, that’s fascinating. Can you say more?” That’s curiosity; that’s where the learning comes from.

Are there times to say no? Are there times to set a boundary? Are there times to be firm? Absolutely! But what I’m talking about here is when No becomes a protection, when it becomes a habit.

6. DON’T BE THE EXPERT

The unknown is scary. So scary, in fact, that we do everything we can to know about our future based on what we conceive is possible now.

The challenge is that when we show up in that expert mode, we immediately begin limiting our possibilities, and we get attached to a limiting view of the outcomes.

Being curious and open to potentiality means that your pool of possibilities is wider and more expansive than what you can possibly know in this moment, than what you can see through your own lens. Think about how much more fun and exciting that awareness can be!

7. SHOW THE VICTIM TO THE DOOR

Look for all the places where you could possibly be showing up as the victim, and then show that victim the door.

The whole world isn’t indebted to you, nor is it out to get you. People aren’t usually against things; they’re just for themselves. Most often, other people are thinking about you far less than you worry about them doing so.

Your perspective, your opinion, the way you believe things should be? That’s just one of many perfect perspectives in the world; it’s like a facet on a giant gemstone. Your view is just a speck in the span of infinite potential views.

And when you let go of the feeling that your perspective is the best, that it’s the perspective that everyone should have, that your view is the perfect lens on the world, and, instead, engage with a shared perspective, you become connected with all people and all things.

8. GIVE THE GIFT OF CLARITY

Clear communication is education. It’s educating people on how you want to be treated, how you see the world, the goals you have, the outcomes you seek, and what you want.

You have a significantly better chance of getting what you believe you need and want when you have the courage to communicate it with clarity.

When wants and needs aren’t clearly communicated, people most often treat us in the way they wish to be treated, as they’re under an assumption that you would want the same as they do.

So, instead of getting angry and resentful when you don’t get what you need, or you aren’t treated the way you want to be treated, speak your truth with clarity, honesty, integrity, empathy, and with a focus on the good of the whole.

9. DON’T ALLOW ONE THING TO DEFINE YOU

There is not one decision – or one behavior or one day or one instance – that makes you who you are. As it’s been said: You are what you consistently do.

Vulnerability builds connection, so don’t pretend you never struggle, have never suffered, are never uncertain, or that you never feel anything but happiness. You were created to ebb and flow, shift and change, shrink and grow. It means you’re alive, so be alive! Be fully alive.

The magic is accepting this and knowing how to bring yourself back to center during or after those challenging moments.

10. REALIZE THAT THE PROBLEM IS ALWAYS YOU

Now, that sounds harsh, and I imagine a whole bunch of you will be eager to rise up and disagree with me – and I get that. But, truthfully? It is always you.

Here’s the reason why: The only person you can control is yourself.

If you’re upset with a situation, you cannot force other people to change to suit your wants and needs, to align with your beliefs, to behave in the way you think they should. You can only change what you can control – and that’s yourself.

Whether that means removing yourself from the situation, asserting yourself, or changing your mindset about how you’re going to approach the situation, it always comes back to you.

If you’ve been stuck waiting for others to change, take another look, because the problem is you.

***

YOUR TURN…

Here’s the deal:

• The secret to feeling more connected starts with a connection to self.

• The secret to feeling appreciated begins with appreciating yourself.

• The secret to feeling loved starts with finding the things within yourself that you love.

• The secret to having joy and abundance begins with having gratitude for everything that already is, and

• The secret to finding peace is to understand that it already exists – it’s within you.

So, today, simply take a moment to listen for the beat of your heart and to feel gratitude for its continual presence and consistency. When you breathe in, imagine your heart expanding with your breath.

This is a simple practice that will bring you back to center. By going inside, it will bring you into a deeper connection and a deeper peace.

I share this with you based on my own learning, my own experience, and the tenets and the values behind Navigating Challenging Dialogue.

With deep gratitude for our connection,
Beth

Is Your First Fact Flawed or False?

Highlights

• The door that wouldn’t close (0:10)

• My perfect storm (2:05)

• A much more effective approach (3:50)

• That flawed first fact (5:20)

• How about you? (8:35)

Is Your First Fact Flawed or False?

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The Door that Wouldn’t Close

I was heading out to dinner with my partner and some friends last weekend when I accidentally hit a button on the dashboard of our new car. I meant to release the parking brake, and instead, I hit what I believed to be the rear door’s liftgate control.

I jumped out of the car, pushed the liftgate shut, and then jumped back in the car and reversed out of the garage.

Our friends were in the back seat, and my partner – who is on call for her clients 24/7 – was on the phone in regard to an unexpected hospitalization. We were part way down the street when I noticed a warning light on the dashboard. I assumed that the door had not closed all the way, so I pulled over and jumped out. This time, I opened it all the way using the car’s exterior button and then, again, closed it.

In between trying to comfort her client’s family and worrying about the new car, my partner kept muting her call and saying, “What’s wrong? What’s going on with the car?”

I didn’t know what was wrong with the car. I’d closed the rear door – twice! – but there was still a warning light showing that it was open.

I was starting to get anxious because:

• We were bordering on being late for our reservation at a very busy restaurant.

• Our patient friends didn’t join us thinking the evening would be intense.

• I didn’t know what was wrong with the car.

• I was worried about her client’s family.

My Perfect Storm

This is a kind of perfect storm for me. At times like that, I can start feeling really anxious, and that’s when I stop thinking and problem-solving clearly.

Our friends assured me they were fine, nothing to worry about, but the warning light still would not go off. My partner decided to do the jumping out and fixing the next time, and still, that warning light would not turn off.

We drove to the restaurant discussing all the things we’d have to do now, including taking the car back to the dealership for repair. Oh man, was that frustrating; neither of us has time for that.

When we got to the restaurant, my partner and one of our friends went in to hold our table while I tried again and again to fix the problem: Turn the car off. Open and close the rear door. Turn the car on, hoping the computer glitch had cleared out. Repeat.

Nothing. Nothing! Every time I turned the car on, the warning light was still there.

I brought the car’s giant manual into the restaurant so we could look through it during dinner, and none of us found anything about the rear door’s warning light, let alone how to get it to turn off. Finally, we all surmised that it was some kind of computer error, and the only way to get it fixed would be to return it to the dealer.

Darn it!

A Much More Effective Approach

Early the next morning, my partner ran off to the hospital, taking my car due to the malfunction in the new car, and I lay in bed with my coffee thinking, “Okay, I need to approach this one more time … but this time, I want to approach it with a quiet head and a balanced heart.”

I got up, took my coffee out to the garage, and I sat in the car asking for an answer. I pulled out the manual again, and as I looked through its index, it hit me: What if my first fact was wrong?

My first fact was that the warning light indicated a problem with the rear door. I looked through the list of warning lights, and I noticed the term “hood latch” – hmm!

I jumped out, pushed down on the car’s hood and, sure enough, it clicked shut. I got in the car, turned on the engine, and the warning light was gone.

Problem solved!

That Flawed First Fact

I cannot tell you how many times I’ve taken off running in a direction based on a first fact that is flawed or false.

Sometimes I find out quickly, but sometimes the roadblocks, barriers, and failures aren’t quick to reveal themselves, and it takes a lot longer. Sometimes, I’ve invested a lot of time and energy before realizing that I was headed in the wrong direction from the start.

Many times, I can get back to double-checking the first fact right away, but the difference for me is—

• If there is time pressure,

• If there are many voices and opinions coming at me at the same time, and

• If I am feeling really vulnerable…

…then it is highly unlikely that I am going to remember to pause and go backward in order to move forward.

It happened to me again just this morning.

It was on my calendar that the first in a series of online meetings (that I was very eager to attend) was to begin today at 9:30 a.m. I went to sign on, but I couldn’t find the link or the invitation – but there it was on my calendar.

I double-checked my calendar several times to make sure I had the correct date and time, and then I emailed and messaged everyone I could think of, nearly hysterical because I thought I was going to miss it.

Honestly, I was almost on the verge of tears because I couldn’t access the meeting. My heart was pounding, and I was panicking. If I missed this meeting, there wouldn’t be another one until next month, and I was really looking forward to it.

Then a friend emailed me back with a link to the published schedule that showed the first session is in February – weeks away, not today.

I know that my frantic emails and messages caused at least a little chaos and wasted time for those who read them and then questioned themselves – who else came to think that they were missing something?

I was the cause of others, as well as myself, wasting our most valuable resource – time. All because I did not go back to confirm my first fact; I just kept proceeding, trying to access a meeting that wasn’t even happening!

How About You?

I’m wondering: How many times in your life or your work has this happened to you?

Are there any situations you are struggling with right now that could benefit from a return to the first fact to check for flaws?

In horsemanship, we are frequently told that if the ride is sloppy:

1. Go back to the fundamentals.

2. Go slower to go faster.

3. Pause and restart rather than try to make a correction while moving at speed.

I don’t know why I have to learn this lesson again and again, but I intend for this to be the very last time.

- Beth

Let Go of the Rock, Revisited

Highlights

• What happened in the courtyard that day (0:55)

• What happened next, to my surprise (2:40)

• Nine “rocks” that people hold onto (3:15)

• Your turn: What are your rocks? (7:50)

Let Go of The Rock, Revisited

Anyone who knows me knows that I can’t resist a great metaphor, and I think it’s because I love metaphors so much that the Universe just can’t wait to serve them up to me. Here is its latest serving...

WHAT HAPPENED IN THE COURTYARD THAT DAY

Yesterday I was having a yummy chai at one of my favorite little cafes in San Luis Obispo. A mom was there with her 18-month-old daughter – a beautiful, curious child.

The daughter was wandering around the coffee shop’s courtyard, carrying a river rock in her tiny fist and showing it to each of us. Soon, I heard her whimpering and looked to see she had put her hand down the empty tube of a concrete umbrella stand, and her arm was stuck up to the elbow.

I watched, horrified, as the child struggled to pull out her arm. Other people in the courtyard began to get concerned. I had visions of helping her mom lift the umbrella base then carrying it and the child to the emergency room. I anticipated her mom’s anxious pleas for help.

Drumroll, please...

WHAT HAPPENED NEXT, TO MY SURPRISE

The mom simply walked over, sat next to her sweet child, and calmly said, “Baby, if you want to be free, you have to let go of the rock.”

The little girl looked at her mom with trusting eyes and then released the fist that clutched the beautiful rock – the rock that had begun to hold her captive and keep her from moving forward freely and effortlessly. It clinked at the bottom of the concrete tube, and the girl easily slipped out her arm.

I waited to witness her tears over the treasured rock, now lost in the bottom of the umbrella stand, but I could see on her face that the release felt so good. She toddled off along her way, happy to move on, her hand now empty but free.

NINE “ROCKS” THAT PEOPLE HOLD ONTO

What a metaphor this was for me! I spent some time thinking about my beliefs around what I thought my role and responsibility was in that moment – caretaker, problem solver, the person who could save the day. And I thought of my coaching clients and the rocks they hold onto, particularly one client who is struggling to move forward because she’s still clutching old behaviors.

And I silently asked myself: What precious “rocks” do we hold onto that no longer serve us, that hold us captive or keep us from moving forward?

I decided to take the time to identify some of the most common rocks. Not only the rocks I see in others, but also those that I hold onto that hold me back. Here are just a few of them that I came up with—

1. AN UNHELPFUL PAST

How do we let go of a past that longer works for us today while still honoring where we are in the present and moving forward from that place?

2. AN ENERGY VAMPIRE

There may be a place, a person, a pursuit, or an enterprise that steals our life force and pulls us down, yet we continue to hold onto it.

3. DIFFICULTY WITH DIALOGUE

Our inability to navigate emotionally challenging dialogue, where we get triggered and respond and react in ways that we don’t want to, ways that cause us to feel ashamed.

4. THE NEED TO BE RIGHT

That’s a big one, when our need to be right creates a closed attitude regarding new information, differing perspectives, or advancements in the world. Maybe we were right at one time, but perhaps we’re not so right now. How do we let go of that rock?

5. FEAR

Fear is a big paralyzer when we hold onto our fears about what might happen or of taking risks, our fears of change or uncertainty.

6. BLAME

Figuring out who’s at fault is a topic I spend a lot of time on with organizations that are struggling to move forward. With each new hurdle, with each new attempt at a system or a process, when there’s a mistake, they frequently want to spend more time figuring out who made the mistake than how to avoid making the mistake in the future.

7. UNTRUE STORIES

What are the stories that you embrace? Maybe they’re a myth. What about family legacy? Maybe there’s a label someone gave to you when you were younger that doesn’t belong to you. Sometimes we take on labels others assign to us, and we carry them for years and years, although they’re not even true anymore … maybe they never were true.

8. CONFUSION ABOUT WHO WE ARE

It’s vital to recognize who we authentically are, what our strengths are, what our values are, and what our power is, and we must be brave enough and confident enough to stand in them, to stand in who we are. That self-awareness is key to being able to live our lives to their fullest potential.

9. RESISTANCE TO SPEAKING OUR TRUTH

It’s important to voice what is true for us in a way that allows others to see us, to know us, and to respect our strengths and our beliefs.

YOUR TURN: WHAT ARE YOUR ROCKS?

You can probably see that some of those rocks overlap, some of them address more than one issue, and some of them may or may not be relevant and meaningful to you.

So, I’m going to encourage you to sit down over the next couple of days and write your own list of five or six rocks that might be holding you back, things that would allow you to move forward and to become your most authentic self if you would let them go. What might those be?

This is a great opportunity to get to know yourself better, to increase your awareness of who you are, and to become more comfortable with your authentic self.

If this an interesting process to you, and it feels like it could be helpful, I also encourage you to take a look at my book of the same title: Let Go of the Rock, a new look at the dynamics of self-awareness that walks through stories and narratives about many of the rocks discussed here and offers some quick exercises to help you think more deeply and make some decisions around what you want to hold onto, how they serve you, and if you’re ready to let them go.

It’s time to stand in your strength and your confidence, to come back into balance, and to no longer concede when concession isn’t needed.

If you want to be free, let go of the rock.

And if you could use some help with that, click the button below to send an email, or you can call us at (916) 436-5299.

- Beth

Expanded from the original published on September 3, 2013

"Honey, You Ain't Seen Nothin' Yet!"

Highlights

• My old daily walks in this new urban place (0:50)

• Something (or someone) had to change (3:00)

• Your turn… (6:05)

“HONEY, YOU AIN’T SEEN NOTHIN’ YET!”

MY OLD DAILY WALKS IN THIS NEW URBAN PLACE

Since moving to Sacramento four years ago, I had given up my daily walks, and consequently, I’ve gained 40 pounds, many aches and pains, and a really negative view of what humans tend to do to the Earth in urban places.

Some of you are aware that I’ve struggled to align with living in an urban area. There are things I love so much about it, but the impact of so many humans on such a condensed piece of our Earth makes me shudder, and I often think, “Oh, this is so terrible!” and consequently, the Universe responds with, “Beth, you ain’t seen nothin’ yet.” And then all I can see is more trash, more shopping carts in the river, and more people struggling to make a home and a life in places that just aren’t that well-suited for living.

I decided about three months ago – with some significant urging from my doctor and my rising blood pressure, as well as my mental health – that I would resume my daily walks, no matter how dreadful the scenery.

But I became so frustrated as I saw those broken bottles, discarded fast-food containers, car parts, and paraphernalia of all kinds littered along the playground fence, strewn in the gutters, and all along the sidewalks.

I became so angry when I walked the river and saw a shopping cart, cigarette butts, and other unmentionable items discarded in and around her beauty or, when I went to get in my car with my grandson one morning, saw a woman light up a meth pipe in the vehicle just a few feet away from us.

SOMETHING (OR SOMEONE) HAD TO CHANGE

I wanted the people around me to change. I wanted to call some authority to tell them it was their job to make things different, and simultaneously, I was missing the significant beauty which was abundant and all around me.

My friend and colleague, Sasha Mobley, said to me a few weeks ago, “Beth, I’ve been re-listening to Outrageous Openness: Letting the Divine Take the Lead by Tosha Silver. For some reason, I feel like you might be wanting to listen to it as well.”

So, as I walked my neighborhood this morning, Tosha whispers in my left ear – only my left ear because safety first, so only one earbud – and she said to me:

When you say to the Universe, “Oh, this is terrible!” the Universe responds with, “You ain’t seen nothing yet!” and when you say to the Universe, “Oh, this is so wonderful!” the Universe responds with, “You ain’t seen nothing yet!”

This was a light bulb of insight that I needed for my own shift. I’ve been walking around with anger and resentment and the thought: Why can’t they be better? Why can’t they change?

And now I’m asking all my Navigating Challenging Dialogue people out there: What is the mantra for this experience I’m having? Yeah, here it is:

The only person I can change is myself.

Tosha-via-Sasha reminded me that if I choose to stay in the Why can’t they? Why don’t they? mindset, the Universe shall respond to me with, “Honey, you ain’t seen nothin’ yet.” So, here’s my practice (because it’s all just a practice): See the beauty, and be grateful for it.

And as I shifted to that place in my head … the place of seeing moments of beauty? It was all waiting for me, as it had been since I’ve moved here four years ago. And guess what…?

I ain’t seen nothing yet!

YOUR TURN…

So where are you ­– in your personal life, in your professional life, in your relationships, or in the world around you – asking the Universe to show you more of what you don’t want instead of all the joy, abundance, peace, and happiness that is available to you?

Because what I can tell you is: Honey, you ain’t seen nothin’ yet!

- Beth

When Others Don’t See Their Own Potential

Highlights

• What are we really seeing when we see someone’s potential? (00:25)

• Being the expert on someone else’s life – at home (2:25)

• Being the expert on someone else’s life – at work (5:15)

• Your turn… (7:00)

When Others Don’t See Their Own Potential

A good friend and I were talking about the hiring process and what a drag it can be. She hires a good many people in her role, and she said that she had to learn early on that, as much as she wants to see the potential in people, her job in hiring staff is to hire them for exactly who they are right now.

What We’re Really Seeing When We See Someone’s Potential

That hit me right between the eyes because I get very attracted to what I decide is the potential in people, and I want to be part of helping them uncover what I see so clearly in them.

But the key phrase here is: “what I see so clearly in them.”

Oh, man. This was such a tough thing for me to hear, because I know from Navigating Challenging Dialogue®, that I can only see the world through my own lens. And so, when I believe I see someone else’s potential, I am seeing it only through my If It Were Me lens, and not through the What Do They See lens.

In fact, it matters not what I see. The only person I can manage is myself, and sometimes I tend to see only what it is I want for the other person – which is simply a reflection of what I want for myself. It is another version of: “If I had this opportunity, I would … and therefore, you should.”

Darn it. There’s that “should” again.

Being The Expert On Someone Else’s Life – At Home

In her late teens and early 20s, my oldest daughter struggled to see the unrealized potential for her life. I was so frustrated; I just could not understand why she couldn’t own what I could so clearly see for her.

Nine years ago, she suffered a horrible, traumatic fall as a result of her partying lifestyle. She calls it “the fall that saved my life.” I call it: the fall that would have been unnecessary if she just could have believed me about what I saw as her full potential!

I remember so well when I graduated from college – at the age of 32 while working full-time, raising two kids, and maintaining Dean’s List status the entire time. My dear mother said to me, “I always wondered when you’d see what I’ve always seen in you.”

I was proud, but I also wanted to yell at her, “Why the heck didn’t you let me in on the secret?! I could have saved a lot of time spent being mediocre.” But now I know that she probably tried. In fact, every time she said, “Beth, you should…” – and I, either through behavior, my attitude, or my actions said, “No way!” – she was trying to show me what she saw as my potential.

My dear friend said to me, “Beth, we can send out all the signals we want about potentiality, but if the candidate (or the child) doesn’t have a receiver on, the signals just don’t land.”

When we put our idea of potential and our shoulds onto others, it creates an unnecessary tension. It adds to our burden, because when we become the expert on someone else, we limit what’s possible for them, and we set ourselves up for disappointment when they choose their own path. We also continually message dissatisfaction and, frankly, we offend the other person’s sense of self.

Being The Expert On Someone Else’s Life – At Work

I saw this play out plainly in an organization I was consulting with, where a vice president wanted so badly for her staff person to do as she had done – work her way up the ladder by applying for positions with more responsibility.

I was brought in to do coaching with the staff person, to help her “reach her potential.” In our first (and last) session, the staff person said to me, “Look, I’m a grandmother. I have a big family. I know this job really well, and I like it. I can do it, get paid, and then go home and spend time with my family. I have no desire to go any higher in this organization because doing so would impact that which I value. I am really content.”

When I facilitated a dialogue between the staff person and the VP, it suddenly became clear to the VP that, while well-intentioned, she was pushing her perspective – her way to do it, her “should,” her “if it were me” – onto her staff person. The VP’s eyes were opened, and she backed off on being the expert in someone else’s life.

And the tension between them? Well, it dissolved!

Your Turn …

Relieve yourself of the burden of knowing everyone else’s potential. That is truly their business.

Of course, you can provide feedback or acknowledgment and, if asked, advice and even mentoring. But otherwise, engage as a curious learner, and don’t be disappointed if they make a different choice about their potentiality.

Trust me. It is way more fun, it builds better connections, and it makes space for people to have the fall that saves their life.

- Beth

“If It Were Me, I Would Have…”

Highlights

• When (and how) to step into Observer Mode (00:55)

• How people react to a self-assigned expert (2:50)

• How to reset the dynamic with curiosity (5:20)

• Your turn… (8:25)

“IF IT WERE ME, I WOULD HAVE…”

Recently, I was with a group of people who I love being around. I respect their opinions and love their interactions. This time, there was a newer business owner in the group who responded to everyone’s comment, shared information, or story with, “What you should have done is…”

WHEN (AND HOW) TO STEP INTO OBSERVER MODE

I noticed that this repeated behavior felt prickly to me, so I chose to step into Observer Mode – meaning, I took a deep breath, grounded my feet on the floor, and settled into my chair. Then I began watching the interactions as if I were watching a theater production.

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I first read about this strategy in The Presence Process by Michael Brown, sometime around 2013. Ever since then, I practice it whenever I feel myself becoming annoyed. It has been a lifesaver for me.

What I love about slipping into Observer Mode (also called Audience Mode) is that I can just be curious – there’s nothing else for me to do – and if I feel an urge to interject or challenge anyone, it just slips away.

After all, if I were to jump up out of my seat at a play and start engaging with the actors, I’d appear a bit unhinged. The same happens when we interject at social gatherings or business meetings based on feeling prickled by someone else’s engagement.

Because of my belief that the greatest work I can do is to increase my self-awareness, the Observer practice I described above is really powerful.

HOW PEOPLE REACT TO A SELF-ASSIGNED EXPERT

So, as I observed the young man responding with You Should Haves and I Would Haves to comments made within the group’s brisk and hearty casual dialogue, I also noticed a few things that the other people were doing…

Some people chose to defend their actions or decisions, while others chose to withdraw by shutting down, changing the subject, or even shifting their body away from him.

Some people, in turn, responded to his comments with curiosity: “Oh, how did that work out?” or “What did you do next?” or “Oh, wow, what went into that decision?” while the young guy was still quick to say, “You should have…” or “What I would have done was…”

Before too long, the You Should Have Guy was standing in a large group but, clearly, he was in isolation.

Even people standing within 2 or 3 feet of him began to reposition themselves until their backs were turned toward him – just enough to make dialogue difficult. Eye contact was avoided, topics were changed, and small groups of 2 or 3 people were forming in lively, curious dialogue that excluded him.

Had I not gone into Observer Mode, I would have missed such a great lesson. Here are my takeaways:

• Responding from an expert point of view frequently leads to isolation.

• Responding with curiosity builds connection.

• Unless someone directly asks you, “What would you have done in that situation?” I recommend leaving You Should Haves and I Would Haves completely out of it.

• When you notice that you are feeling isolated within a group – don’t blame the group. Instead, take a moment to check on your own behavior.

HOW TO RESET THE DYNAMIC WITH CURIOSITY

As our time wore on, I noticed that the You Should Have Guy had wandered off by himself and was engaging with his phone.

So, I wandered over and asked a curious question, “I heard you say earlier that if you were in that situation, you would have dot-dot-dot. Would you say more about that?”

His eyes perked up, and he became really eager to share his thoughts. As I listened to him, I became more and more curious, and I modeled asking open-ended questions, like: “Wow. I don’t know that I would’ve thought of that. Where did that idea come from?” and “Is this based in your previous experience?”

Slowly, I noticed that others began to get curious also, and they came over to engage. Some even followed my lead and began asking their curious questions.

As if by magic, this young man began to feel the impact. He noticed how he felt isolated from the group earlier, and now he was beginning to feel connection again. As others shared their perspectives, he began to reciprocate with his own curious questions.

Through the dialogue, I could see perspectives shifting, energies finding alignment, commonalities being identified, connections forming, and new ideas being born.

These ideas and solutions didn’t belong to one person, but to the collective. These ideas and solutions were built from curious inquiry.

It was a fascinating experiment for me, and a big opportunity to play and learn more about human interaction and dynamics. Through that experiment, I became acutely aware of times when I went to “You should have…” and “If it were me, I would have...”

But now I know that those kinds of expert statements shut down dialogue, they shut down possibility. They don’t build a foundation from which we can interact and engage to come out with better solutions than we could have on our own.

YOUR TURN…

I invite you to try this through the coming week—

Go into Observer Mode to notice when you feel these words forming in your mind or in your throat: You should have… or I would have… or If it were me…

When you notice those words forming – stop. Then replace them with some kind of curious inquiry, such as: “Wow, that’s fascinating. Would you say more?”

As always, I would love to hear your perspectives as you play with these suggestions and share what you notice.

Until next time,
Beth

p.s. If this was helpful to you, or if you like what you read today, I’m asking you to help me spread the word that there is a fun and more engaging way to show up in dialogue, problem-solving, and innovation. Use the Facebook or Twitter icons at the bottom of this page to share this article with your friends and colleagues.

Would You Like Joy and Abundance Right Now?

Highlights

• From a simple butterfly (00:30)

• Caterpillar goop and human soup (2:00)

• How you can create more time, more space, and slow things down (5:55)

• Trust + openness = joy + abundance (7:35)

• Look to the horse, of course (10:05)

• Your turn… (12:30)

WOULD YOU LIKE JOY AND ABUNDANCE RIGHT NOW?

A few years ago, I lived on a street with gigantic eucalyptus trees, and one or two months out of the year, the monarch butterflies were thick as pea soup, hanging out in droves in that eucalyptus grove. You could barely walk down the road without bumping into one or two butterflies as the flittered through the air.

I love the monarchs because they remind me of the power of trust – the trust that comes from being present and a connection to my inner knowing, the trust that my journey is unique, and a trust in the ease that exists for me when I fall in love with what is instead of trying to control and manipulate what my mind thinks should be.

Now, you may be thinking, “Beth, how do you get all of this from a simple butterfly?”

Well, it begins with the caterpillar…

CATERPILLAR GOOP AND HUMAN SOUP

Much like each of us, the caterpillar goes along, minding her own beeswax, when suddenly, she is overcome with the urge to stop and slip into a very deep rest. She literally cannot go on.

As she sinks into this deep rest, her entire body – all the way down to her cell structure – begins to dissolve. Luckily, nature has provided her with a hard outer casing, and it has directed her to find a resting place sheltered under a heavy leaf cover. As the caterpillar trusts the dissolving process and gives in to it, she is safe.

I envy the caterpillar, as I imagine that in her thinking mind, her brain, she does not question what is happening – she just moves with it. There certainly have been (and continue to be) times in my life when going into a deep, deep rest and letting go of what I thought should be would have saved me much stress, anger, resentment, and a great deal of effort.

When I heard spiritual teacher Jeff Foster speak a few years ago, his journey enlightened me. He encouraged us to say the words “depress” and “deep rest” aloud, and listen for the similarity. He invited us to, perhaps, accept that when our body signals symptomology that can be felt as a time of depression, perhaps it is calling for an incredibly deep rest – a deep rest from storytelling, a deep rest from striving and ambition, a deep rest from compare and despair energy, a deep rest from trying to figure out what we should be doing: What’s my calling? What’s my niche? How can I get ahead?

Author and coach Martha Beck calls this phase “human soup.” Just as the caterpillar dissolves into an insect soup during a time of great change, Martha recommends that we do the same – that we allow ourselves a protected rest, and we trust that the knowledge of what the future will bring is held safe inside the soup. That knowledge can come forward through rest, and, soon enough, we, too, will sprout wings and fly. It is our fate.

HOW YOU CAN CREATE MORE TIME, MORE SPACE, AND SLOW THINGS DOWN

People ask me frequently, “Beth, how can I create more time? How can I create more space in my life? How can I slow things down?”

More time, more space, and a slower pace are in those periods of deep rest, in meditation, in sitting outside, in those moments when you allow your eyes to gently close, and in sleep.

All of those moments are times when our subconscious is allowed to call for solutions, answers, ideas, and innovations. When we shut down the hum of our thinking brain for five minutes – or even just one or two minutes – we allow our subconscious to bring forth ideas and answers that are deep in our knowing.

Many people tell me, “I can’t meditate, Beth. I can’t clear my brain of thoughts.” Well, neither can I (almost no one can), but the truth is, meditation is less about being empty of thoughts and more about cultivating stillness and allowing thoughts to pass by like groceries on a conveyor belt – you’re not reaching out and grabbing for them, you’re just letting them go on by.

TRUST + OPENNESS = JOY + ABUNDANCE

If you’ve been in any of my workshops or attended one of my talks, you’ve probably heard me say that, in many ways, we’ve been sold a bill of goods, one that can cause shame or feed our “not enough”  feelings.

It carries the myth that if we do enough of the right things – if we meditate enough, if we journal enough, if we eat enough superfoods, if we say enough positive affirmations, if we pray enough, if we make the perfect vision board, etc. – then we will have a life of joy and abundance…

...but all that striving and trying and doing is exhausting!

My life experience tells me that joy and abundance are not the achievements of a perfected bliss that’s maintained day in and day out. Joy and abundance are the awareness that when disappointment, confusion, grief, hard choices, loss, and heartache come forward, I can feel them fully, but then, with the wisdom of the caterpillar going to soup – plus some space and some grace – I can come back to my center.

Instead of trying to fix it, change it, avoid it, or fight it, I can choose to sink in. I can allow myself to be, to take a deep rest, and to trust that the way will again become clear.

LOOK TO THE HORSE, OF COURSE

I was reminded of this again last week, when I was working with horses and emerging leaders in an Equus coaching session. It was a beautiful sunny day, and I was working with a coaching client who was having a hard time stopping and enjoying and just being present – not striving, not doing, not trying to figure it out.

The thing is, horses naturally live in the present, so when there was an empty moment between her and the horse – when she was talking to me or pondering or thinking – the horse didn’t try to fill that time by doing anything or trying to be anything. Instead, it gently folded its legs and took a great roll around in the warm, sandy soil.

This was true for all the horses that day. They were fully present with the participants when they were needed, but the instant there was a break in the action, every one of the horses took the opportunity for a luxurious roll in the sand. They fell in love with what is – with the warm day and the sandy soil – and immersed themselves in it.

I don’t think the caterpillar has a sense that they are going to morph into something new. Just as, when I look back on my life, I could not have imagined myself where I am today, the caterpillar cannot imagine what is next for them.

But I’ve learned, when things get tough or when I feel uncertain, to trust and be open to what is. I’ve learned to accept that joy and abundance are not things to achieve or work for or get to. They are right here, right now, in this moment, in the warm, sandy soil and in the unanticipated sprouting of wings.

YOUR TURN…

Would you like to experience joy and abundance right now? Exactly where you are? If your answer is Yes, then try this—

Feel your feet on the floor, and feel the chair (or couch, or bed) supporting you. Notice where you can release a bit of tension in your spine … your neck … your jaw … the balls of your feet.

Feel the sun (real or imagined) on your face, and allow any thoughts that arise to pass on by, just like groceries on a conveyor belt.

And as you continue with your day, and all the days to come – even in the toughest moments – remember to take a look at where in your life you can let go, sink in, and trust that all will be as it’s meant to be.

Just like the caterpillar, what you experience after that moment of openness and trust may be an outcome that is far more magnificent than you could possibly imagine.

- Beth

p.s. If you’d like some practice sinking into a meditation that will help with these concepts, scroll to the bottom BethWonson.com and sign up for the Heart Expansion Meditation. It’s a quick and easy 10-minute recording you can listen to time and time again that will help you bring yourself into a place of trust, openness, and grace.

What's Your Story?

Highlights

• The three types of negative stories: victims, villains, and the helpless (2:00)

• Why do we use negative stories? (6:55)

• How to slow or stop their endless cycle (9:25)

• Your turn… (14:50)

WHAT’S YOUR STORY?

Stories play a powerful role in our lives, and the stories we tell ourselves about ourselves are the most impactful.

Positive stories can help us launch our dreams, achieve our goals, and propel us to the next level. Negative stories can do quite the opposite, and most significantly, our negative stories can create disconnection from others.

Our negative stories allow us to feel good about behaving badly. So, be aware of how you use these kinds of negative stories. Also, become aware of how the people around you – staff, co-workers, friends, family, and acquaintances – use negative stories to manipulate, to rationalize behavior, or to take a conversation totally off course.

THREE TYPES OF NEGATIVE STORIES: VICTIMS, VILLAINS, AND THE HELPLESS

Here are the most common negative stories that frequently rear their ugly heads when I do my coaching work with individuals and teams. Do you notice anything familiar here – from your stories or from the stories of those around you?

VICTIM STORIES

“I would have been on time, but my ride overslept.”
“Around here, no one appreciates a person with my attention to detail.”
“I would have loved to have gotten that report in on time, but nobody communicates with clarity.”

You see, for the victim, other people are bad, stupid, mean, or unclear, and the victim suffers as a result. “It’s not my fault” is the mantra of the victim, and it’s the undertone every time you try to hold someone with a victim mentality accountable.

The victim is quick to complain to everybody – except for the person who actually has the ability to address their concern. And the victim always omits the role they played in the situation – which allows them to continue on as the hapless victim.

Here’s another one I see show up…

VILLAIN STORIES

“I didn’t get a pay increase because you’re a jerk. It’s all your fault.”
“I’m not sloppy; you are a control freak.”
“I can’t believe that bonehead gave me bad materials – again!”

While victims exaggerate their innocence, villains are storytellers who overemphasize the guilt of others, and they like to warn everyone else about the villain’s bad qualities.

“Oh, watch out for him. I worked under him one time, and I could not get a promotion. He just doesn’t know talent when he sees it.”

People who rely on villain stories tend to stay very, very stuck because, after all, look at who they are constantly dealing with – villains!

And then there are…

THE HELPLESS STORIES

“There is nothing else I can do! My hands are tied.”
“I’m not telling anyone the printer isn’t working properly. They wouldn’t fix it anyway.”
“My neighbors’ dog barks until 1:00 a.m. every night, so I don’t sleep!” Did you tell them? “No, they’re jerks. They won’t do anything. I just walk around not getting enough sleep.”

Victim and villain stories look backward to explain behavior, while the helpless stories look forward, explaining why someone can’t do anything to change their situation – they are powerless and without options. Helpless stories allow them to suffer and become resentful in silence.

---

Do you see yourself or anyone you know in any of these examples? If you’re willing to take a look, I’m sure you will, because we all slip into a negative story at one time or another!

The difference between slipping into a negative story versus becoming stuck in it is:

1. Being able to see it when it’s happening,

2. Identifying it, and then,

3. Bringing yourself out of it.

But there are so many people who don’t do that, who instead, choose to live in their negative story.

So, why would someone do that?

WHY DO WE USE NEGATIVE STORIES?

Negative stories serve several purposes. Take a look and see if any of these resonate with you.

Negative stories help us—

• Get off the hook and create a convenient excuse.

• Avoid acknowledging that we’ve acted against our own beliefs on the right thing to do.

• Avoid admitting that we could have helped someone and didn’t.

• Avoid accepting accountability for something, something we should probably apologize for, but we didn’t.

• Avoid something we said Yes to that we wanted to say No to (or vice versa).

• Become defensive during feedback even though we know we would be better off listening because the feedback is valuable.

HOW TO SLOW OR STOP THEIR ENDLESS CYCLE

When you’re engaging with someone who is in an endless cycle of negative storytelling, gently inquire about their story…

For the victim story, check in about their role in the issue with clarifying, thought-provoking questions such as:

“Hmmm. That’s fascinating. I’m curious … what might you have been able to do differently to get to work on time?”

Or, you could guide them toward talking directly with the person they’re blaming:

“Oh, I hear you’re frustrated about that dog, but, how might you share that frustration directly with your neighbor?”

For the villain story, when it’s directed at us (i.e., you are the jerky boss), we tend to get defensive immediately, and an argument or nasty, emotionally challenging dialogue begins – not around the issue but around the accusation. Pretty soon, you’re not having any talk around the issue. Instead, you’re having a gigantic conversation about this accusation and appreciation, respect, support, or feeling unvalued.

Most of the time, when this happens, the villain has a responsibility in the issue that they aren’t bringing forward.

If you’re talking to someone who didn’t get a raise, they forget to mention that they didn’t do what was required to get the raise. I hear this one all the time when I conduct confidential interviews in preparation for working with a company.

People tell me how they were passed over for a raise or a promotion, and they are mad and angry and resentful. Frequently, they’ve decided to stop contributing at their full potential because they’ve decided that the company is bad.

But what they frequently don’t tell me is they got feedback on being behind on project deadlines, on getting tasks done on time, or maybe they were asked to take another level of training or certification that they didn’t get done. So, take a breath and check in with the villain around what they could have done differently:

“Wow. That doesn’t sound like what I’ve heard about this company, so I’m curious, what might you have done differently that could’ve helped you get that raise?”

or

“What am I missing here? Because that doesn’t sound like what I’ve heard before.”

For the helpless stories – which are the hardest for me to hear, because I come from a background of entrepreneurs and small business owners, people who worked hard to earn what they have. They like to get things done.

If that sounds like you, too, take a serious look at how you interact with a helpless employee, friend, or family member. Are you someone who jumps in and solves the issue or gets it done for the person stuck in the helpless role because you are a “fixer”? Or because it’s easier to get it done than listen to them complain?

That behavior isn’t going to move the person forward. Sometimes the other person needs to learn (or relearn) how to structure a plan so they can get things accomplished, solve problems, or move forward.

When you hear the helpless story, I encourage you to resist the urge to solve it and instead, ask what they recommend as a possible first step to tackling the problem, and then tell them, “Wow. That sounds great! Get back to me and let me know how it went.”

YOUR TURN…

Negative stories show up most frequently as the precursor to a challenging dialogue that’s going to go very badly. The stories are used to avoid having hard conversations.

I invite you to spend a little time as an observer over the next few days. Be on the lookout for negative stories – told by yourself or by others, or both – so you can learn to spot them.

You might even want to challenge your staff to look for them, and you can help others see the stories in themselves by sharing an anecdote about a time when you used negative stories to deflect attention from an issue or to let yourself off the hook.

I’d love to hear about your experiences, awareness, and stories about these negative stories, and how you’ve turned them around. Post them on my Facebook page or email them to me directly at support@bethwonson.com .

- Beth

p.s. Next week I’m doing a sold-out presentation on this topic for the San Luis Obispo Chamber of Commerce’s Insight Studio. My presentations and talks are engaging, interactive, and generally last for 1 to 2 hours. To book me as a speaker for your next event, email me at support@bethwonson.com .

You can also host a 3- to 6-hour workshop on navigating emotionally challenging dialogue at your workplace or organization. For details, email me at support@bethwonson.com .

8 Ways to Be a Little More Badass

Highlights

• A fast-paced and funny Badass read (1:10)

• Stepping off the ledge (2:05)

• My 8 ways to be a little more badass (4:15)

• Your turn… (9:45)

8 WAYS TO BE A LITTLE MORE BADASS

I’ve been listening to a business manifestation book by Jen Sincero, You Are a Badass at Making Money: Master the Mindset of Wealth.

I usually steer clear of these kinds of books for a couple of reasons. First, the title feels a bit slimy and like a scam. Also, the author’s boldness in discussing making money in such a glib way was an immediate block for me. My parents raised me to be humble about money. And making money is supposed to be really serious, hard work, right? But the book was recommended by two people I respect, so I had to give it a try.

Buy on Amazon

A FAST-PACED AND FUNNY BADASS READ

Jen Sincero narrates her audiobook, and it is both fast-paced and funny, and her jokes are in the flavor of the smart, dry wit of the US Eastern seaboard that I know well – even though she was born in Santa Fe, New Mexico. Go figure, huh? But, I digress :-)

At the same time I’m listening to her words of wisdom, another event is unfolding halfway around the world and captivating the globe: the rescue of a group of boys in a cave in Thailand. I’m sure you’ve heard of it. As I write this, only eight of the boys have been miraculously saved.

So what do Jen Sincero’s Badass book, the Thai cave rescue, and where I am right now with my business all have in common? Well, here it is…

STEPPING OFF THE LEDGE

I’ve decided that my business is going to grow and spread in ways that my thinking mind can’t comprehend or even imagine. Why?

Because I keep seeing and hearing about how Navigating Challenging Dialogue® is changing lives and workplaces, and, frankly, sometimes the idea of this level of growth scares the heck outta me and makes me want to recede back onto my little ledge of safety.

But as I’m listening to Jen’s personal experiences in overcoming her fears and shifting her reality, I’m also checking the news to see how these boys and their coach are doing. They’re facing a leap of faith that has about 5,000 times the gravity of my current situation, but the lessons that I’m gleaning from their bravery and heart and badassedness are huge for me.

I mean let’s face it, what I’m pushing myself through is nothing compared to how they have to willingly slip off a ledge and proceed into the darkness of their treacherous journey, how they are going to trust people they’ve never met to lead them through something that, for most of us, is unimaginable.

As my partner – who survived a brain tumor – says to me all the time, “It’s about faith and surrender.” It is an amazing tribute to their fortitude, their trust, their faith, and their desire to be free.

And these are the exact same things Jen Sincero talks about in her book.

MY 8 WAYS TO BE A LITTLE MORE BADASS

With that story unfolding while Jen is telling me about how the words we use, the energy we put out, and the beliefs we have inform what is possible for us, my brain started making connections. I began seeing connections not only to myself but also to all aspects of my business, as well as the blocks that so many of my clients face.

Here are 8 lessons I took away and am putting into practice for myself:

1. Don’t stop just because you don’t know.
   With each moment that I live, the next moment is an unknown. With every experience, every journey, and every choice, I have no ability to know the outcome – but that’s no reason to stop. In fact, the not-knowing is all the more reason to approach every decision we make with gusto – or as Jen says, like a badass.

2. Make a decision, then make it work.
   Sometimes, the next move takes every ounce of heart and faith that we have, be it stepping off the safety of a ledge into murky water or choosing to take a risk with a new idea. So it’s vital to make a decision and then make it work. Staying comfortable may feel better for now, but it isn’t necessarily going to get me where I want to go next.

3. What you want isn’t always going to be what you get.
   At the end of a long and nearly impossible slog, I want what I came to get, whether that’s fried chicken, to go home, or to spread the mission of Navigating Challenging Dialogue worldwide. The secret is to envision what I want and move towards it but to accept that the journey may result in something different or even more amazing than what my thinking mind originally conjured up.

4. Trust the help that shows up.
   When I’m struggling, and help appears, sometimes I feel resistant or disappointed because it doesn’t look like what I imagined. Being a badass sometimes requires receiving help and trusting it – just as it is.

5. Pick the positive.
   Whether I put positive thoughts or negative thoughts into a situation is my choice, and as I get to make that choice, from now on, I’m going to pick the positive. Think about it: Picking positive makes so much more sense, and it takes about the same amount of energy.

6. Stop painting the future with doom and gloom.
   What if the media experts, instead of projecting negative outcomes on these boys, actually built upon how strong each one of them just found out they are? What if we acknowledge how powerful they are and how their perseverance and bravery are an example for all of mankind for generations to come? Imagine what kinds of difference that could make in the world. So, let’s stop painting their future with doom and gloom as a result of this experience… and while we’re at it, let’s stop doing the same to ourselves.

7. Live without finding blame or harboring anger.
   During this rescue, the boys’ parents didn’t evoke blame or anger. Instead, they sent in a letter to the coach that said, “We want you to know that no parents are angry with you at all, so don’t worry about that.” Imagine if we can communicate that to others. I want my communications to be like that, so I will continue to believe in, teach, and model not finding blame or living in anger.

8. Prioritize taking good care of yourself.
   I will prioritize time for myself – time to walk, to be present, to notice nature, to swim, to play, and to take care of myself in a healthy way, instead of constantly working, trying to get stuff done. In fact, no matter what journey you’re on, a cared-for physical body, spiritual essence, and mental state are going to be your best friends; they won’t take anything away from getting things done.

YOUR TURN…

So, what are these boys teaching you? What ledge are you ready to swim off?

And how – through your actions, through your shifts in energy and perception – can you honor yourself, honor the boys, and be just a little more badass?

- Beth

“Something Has Got to Change!”

Highlights

• When action and inaction collide (1:05)

• The dialogue among our merry trio – she, me, and … me (2:50)

• How I was back then (5:30)

• What I know now (7:30)

“SOMETHING HAS GOT TO CHANGE!”

The other morning I woke up with this thought: “Something has got to change!”

Ahh, such a simple yet powerful statement that’s come into my head hundreds of times over the last 5 decades. However, in the past when I heard this thought, I usually took action ­– whatever action that first came to mind. Sometimes it was disruptive; often it caused drama and chaos for myself and for the people around me.

WHEN ACTION AND INACTION COLLIDE

The other morning I woke up with Something has got to change! reverberating through my body.

The problem is that the “something” was ambiguous, and in its ambiguity, it became large and overwhelming. Too many options with no direction can, frankly, make me fall into a heap – a grouchy, snappy, crabby heap.

Something has got to change was booming and looming and bringing up feelings of resentment – resentment that I had coaching calls today, resentment around tasks that I needed to get done that I just didn’t know how to start. After all, I just wanted to sit in a big pile of helplessness today.

Now, my partner is a woman of action. Nothing ever changes for her because everything is always in a state of change. Her existence is a swirl of ideas to investigate, possibilities to bring to reality, challenges to tackle, and plans to execute. So, as I’m waking up with “Something has got to change,” she is waking up saying, “I’ve decided I’m building a shed on the Fort Bragg property” – and there is the clash…

Her action is interrupting my helplessness.

And, man! This just pisses me off.

THE DIALOGUE AMONG OUR MERRY TRIO – SHE, ME, AND … ME

The night before, I’d made a commitment with her to go pick up a new nightstand because, as she does, she sold her old one the previous day while I was swimming in the pool.

I wasn’t happy because I was in my Something Has Got To Change place while she was actually making change happen. Every time she spoke, I snapped. Her words of action and planning were like a blinding floodlight beaming into the dark, murky muck of my thinking brain. This is how the conversation went—

Her: “After we take the nightstand in the house, I’m going to make a smoothie. Want one?”

In my head: “No, I want a hot fudge sundae and a pitcher of white sangria … AND I may even follow it up with a side of Lay’s potato chips.”

Me, aloud: “Thanks, that would be great.”

Her: “After that, I’m going to go to Home Depot to pick up a few things. Need anything?”

In my head: “PLEASE stop interrupting my negative thought pattern. Your endless casual and effective approach to getting stuff done is interrupting my self-pity and helplessness.”

Me, aloud: “Oh, yes, that would be great. I need a bag of soil and some moss. Thanks!”

She moves at lightning speed, while I move slowly and methodically. She thinks ahead, up, down, and sideways, all at once, while I like to think one linear thought at a time, one step, one plan. She takes action; I like to process, reflect, ponder, and clarify.

It is an interesting relationship. Our differences bring up stuff in me. If I’d met her 10 years ago, we wouldn’t have had a chance, and I would have missed out on so much joy, love, and adventure, and an acceptance of who I am.

HOW I WAS BACK THEN

If we’d met 10 years ago, every time I became annoyed, I would blame her.

If we’d met 10 years ago, I would try to change her to align with how I am and how I thought she should also be.

If we’d met 10 years ago, the “Something has got to change” would have quickly turned to “She has to change, and I’m outta here.”

All those statements aren’t only true for this relationship; they were also true in my friendships and in my work relationships. It was true in how I viewed the world. I held expectations that everyone would be better off if they were more like me. I was always certain that Something Has Got To Change, and I was very certain that what had to change was them and not me.

But now, through a lot of self-work, through developing, practicing, and really spending time in navigating challenging dialogue, I know that nothing has to change, that everything is perfect as it is, that whatever emotional energy comes up in me is simply there for me to continue to learn about myself.

It’s all just an opportunity, not to spend time looking outside of me, expecting change in others and other places, but to become aware of what’s in me that I can shift.

WHAT I KNOW NOW

As we were picking up and moving the night table, I heard myself saying to her, aloud, and in a really annoyed voice, “Can you please insert a pause?! Just for a second. In between actions. In between ideas. In between next steps. Just for 30 seconds! Just a pause?”

As I said it, I heard it. And that’s the something that has got to change, not in her but in me. I’m not pausing…

Over the past 2 to 3 weeks, I’ve let my morning meditation slip away.

My desk has become unruly with piled-up papers and tasks to do. Sometimes, I can’t even discern scrap paper from things I have to deal with. My to-be-filed box is again overflowing. There is so much change happening in my business at such a fast rate that I feel like I’m along for the ride versus driving it.

And I have a couple of tasks that I’m not sure how to do, so I’m avoiding them. Her Get It Done affect is triggering what’s upsetting me about my procrastination.

“Can’t you insert a pause?!”

Who was I talking to? The pause was certainly not for her. She doesn’t need one. She doesn’t want one. I do.

As I sat and reflected on this, I realized I was resentful. I was resentful about how I scheduled my week. It was a holiday week, yet I was booked solid. The world is uncertain, I’m feeling it so deeply in my heart and soul, but I haven’t taken time to feel into it. It’s summer, the pool is luscious, and the air is sweet, yet I’m in my office working away.

And there are those two or three tasks looming in my path that require me to level up, take a risk, and, frankly, I’m a little uncomfortable because I don’t yet know how to do them with mastery.

“Can you please insert a pause?”

I realize now that has nothing to do with anyone but me.

Until next time, I hope you can hear the messages that you communicate to others that you’re really just speaking to yourself.

-Beth

p.s. Navigating your relationships, both at work and at home, starts with self-awareness. Our team of Navigating Challenging Dialogue® Master Facilitators and coaches at Beth Wonson & Company are ready to lend you a hand. Contact us at support@bethwonson.com to learn more about our leadership coaching and upcoming workshops.

Your Future Self and the Sirens’ Song

Highlights

• Take a new look at a very old story (0:55)

• Before you set sail, prepare for your future self (3:10)

• Case study: The missing piece in making commitments (4:15)

• The keys to stretching yourself without snapping (6:15)

Your Future Self and the Sirens’ Song

I have a question for you…

Why do people so easily make commitments to behavioral change and then have such a struggle practicing and fulfilling those commitments?

Well, it’s a pretty simple answer, and to illustrate it, here’s a story. Now, this is not one of my favorite stories – there are flaws in it and parts of it I really don’t care for – but it’s about the Sirens and Ulysses. Have you ever heard the story?

LET’S TAKE A NEW LOOK AT A VERY OLD STORY

There’s a scene in Homer’s Odyssey where Ulysses expects to encounter the Sirens – women who live on an island and sing a beautiful song to attract sailors, who then wreck their ships on the island’s rocky coast.

Ulysses’ ship is going to sail around that bend, and he knows the Sirens’ song will be really challenging for him to pass by and that it will most likely overwhelm him. And he does something we frequently don’t think to do: He puts things in place to support his future self in carrying out the commitment made in the present moment.

He has his crew members lash him to the ship’s mast so he cannot move or speak to command them to go toward the hazardous island shore. He also demands they fill their ears with beeswax so they won’t be able to hear the Sirens’ song, either.

As their ship rounds the bend and approaches the island, the Sirens sing their bewitching song, but Ulysses is tied and gagged, incapable of giving the command to steer for the shore, to surrender to the destructive allure of the Sirens’ song. And as his crew can’t hear either him or the Sirens’ song, they aren’t tempted into taking that deadly detour on their own.

And so, immobilized, silenced, and deaf to the Sirens’ allure, Ulysses and his crew avoid the enchantment that led to the legendary destruction of other ships, and they successfully sail past the island to continue on their journey.

BEFORE YOU SET SAIL: PREPARE FOR YOUR FUTURE SELF

Now, there are a lot of flaws in that story, but the mythology of it is interesting from the perspective that Ulysses took action based on what he knew about his future self’s tendency toward weakness and the common behavior pattern his future self would likely take if it didn’t have support when it met with challenges.

And that’s the piece where we – as managers, leaders, or staff – make commitments to behavioral change, but we don’t follow through. We haven’t prepared for the support or the modifications we need to help our future self satisfy the commitment that we’re making in the present moment.

So here’s an example from real life...

CASE STUDY: THE MISSING PIECE IN MAKING COMMITMENTS

I do executive coaching with a woman who has lost trust in her manager’s commitment to clear communication. In our coaching session, she says, “I have lost trust in my manager because she repeatedly says that she’s going to change her behavior, and then she repeatedly falls down.”

In the past, whenever her manager received feedback that their communication and decisions aren’t clear, and people are leaving meetings with ambiguity, the manager would make a commitment to the team that, in the future, they would turn that around; they absolutely would take the time to communicate with more clarity so people would be less confused.

And the manager will do it – for a week or two. But when things get stressful and deadlines get tight, they slip back into their familiar pattern of not enough clear communication and, once again, the team finds themselves not knowing what is a decision and what’s just an idea or thought, as well as not understanding who is responsible for which task, and it all becomes challenging (again).

The manager’s commitment to the incremental behavioral change is there, but what’s missing are the intentional action items that will allow them to practice the new behavior. And along with their commitment, they’ll want to get feedback when they start to slip and fall, and also have safety measures in place to support their commitment when work gets stressful, deadlines get tight, and things get confusing.

They need to establish how, when, and where they’re going to get the support they need to stay the course.

THE KEYS TO STRETCHING YOURSELF WITHOUT SNAPPING

Picture a rubber band. You can stretch it out, stretch it out, streeeeeetch it out, but only until it reaches its point of maximum stress, where it either snaps back into place or snaps completely in two.

Trying on new behaviors is also a stretch. As we’re practicing and trying on new behaviors, we become like the rubber band. We may encounter stressful circumstances or add our insecurities and a lack of confidence to the picture. As we’re stretched by these additional demands or challenges, we can either go back to our original shape or just snap completely, throwing the new behavior out the window because it’s just way too uncomfortable.

So while the commitment to behaving in a new way is the critical first step in making a behavioral change, you also need an action plan and support for when your future self meets with challenges, discomfort, stress, or confusion. Ask yourself: “How will I support my future self to make the right choice?”

Now, Ulysses’ choice to be lashed to the mast and gagged, as well as put beeswax in the ears of everybody around him, is really not the way to go. In my mind, it kinda reeks of zero self-control.

But the powerful lesson from Ulysses is he knew what would trip him up, and he prepared to overcome it.

He looked at his old patterns of behavior, and he understood that the Sirens’ song would be incredibly difficult for him to pass by, despite his plans and intentions. Fortitude and decision-making and a continued commitment to going past the island without falling prey to the Sirens’ song would be really challenging for him, as it had for many others.

So, as you anticipate making a behavioral change, consider these two key actions that will support that change—

1. Think about it. What is your siren song? What is your weakness? Where do you repeatedly fall down on your commitments? Look to the past for the behavior patterns that help create your future.

2. Then, ask your staff to support you. Invite them to let you know when you’re falling down. Ask them to be kind and to understand that trying on new behaviors is a practice, and when we practice new skills, it can sometimes be a little bit sloppy. Sometimes, our resolve weakens, and we drift back into the old behavior, even though it doesn’t work out that well for us. Be vulnerable enough to say, “This is something new I’m trying on, and I need your feedback. I need your support. I need your honesty.”

Tip: It’s important to invite people. The woman I’m coaching doesn’t feel comfortable with giving her manager the heads-up: “Uh-oh, you’re sliding back to the behavior you said you weren’t going to do anymore.” She doesn’t feel like her feedback would be welcome. In fact, she feels like she would be penalized or get in trouble for speaking up.

Remember: Understanding where you could fall down in the process of change and gathering support from others will help you fulfill your commitment, and being vulnerable in your invitation for feedback creates connection and builds trust.

YOUR TURN: WOULD YOU LIKE TO JOIN US?

These are all components of leadership and followership that we talk about, explore, and delve into in my Navigating Challenging Dialogue® workshops. These are the nuances and the soft skills, the social and emotional intelligence components of the mission of Navigating Challenging Dialogue: To improve how we show up, how we walk through change, and how we understand the patterns of pitfalls that lead to failures.

If you’ve been asking yourself: “How can I be more effective, more successful, more connected, build trust, and increase collaboration with my team, my coworkers, my leadership?” then join us!

Check out NavigatingChallengingDialogue.com to learn more about how you, too, can take steps that will increase collaboration, communication, effective problem solving, satisfaction, ease, and happiness – both at work and at home.

Until next time, be aware of siren songs and also your response to them, and make plans to support yourself – not only today’s you but also your future self.

- Beth

When a Canned Approach Just Won't Do

Highlights

• The challenge facing Results-driven Ron (0:45)

• What can happen when one size does not fit all (4:30)

• A customized approach to active listening (5:30)

• Set clear expectations (5:55)

• Jotting down while you’re listening can be a bridge to action (7:20)

• How to listen with your heart instead of your thinking mind (8:30)

• Watch it like it a play, and stay out of the way (11:45)

WHEN A CANNED APPROACH JUST WON’T DO

Today I want to talk about when the canned approach to leadership isn’t going to get you where you want to go. Specifically, it’s a story of when active listening training actually had the opposite effect.

CASE STUDY: RESULTS-DRIVEN RON

Ron is a seasoned executive in estate agency, and he received feedback that others often felt he was too impatient in meetings and didn’t hear everyone out. Ron’s supervisor recommended that he attend a seminar on active listening.

Ron attended the seminar, and he was diligently trying to implement the step-by-step approach he learned in class, but his frustration level was increasing instead of decreasing. The active listening seminar promised that by using their recommended steps, Ron would feel more connected and the team would feel more heard, but Ron was feeling less connected and more frustrated, and it showed.

He presented this challenge to me in our coaching session, and from previous work style assessments we had done together, I know he has a results-driven work style. He’s quick to take action, and he gets quite frustrated when others dig into the detail level. A key to Ron’s success is that he prefers to solve problems at a high level, create a few action steps, and then delegate the details to others who are good at them. Given his talents and strengths, it makes sense that while others are discussing details, Ron is chomping at the bit to move forward.

I also know that the team Ron works with most often is comprised of people whose work style is more on the analytical side. They are detail-oriented people, and their style involves discussing all the possible strategies at great length. They are very skilled in methodically coming up with detailed, sequential approaches. Conflict arises because, at the end of the day, regardless of work style or communication style, everybody wants to feel seen and heard.

Ron is doing what many great leaders do – attempting to create and hold space for everyone to be heard – but it’s frustrating him.

You see, the strategies he learned for active listening clash with who he authentically is. When Ron tries to use those strategies for the entirety of a meeting, his body language and words are not aligned with his energy. When his energy is incongruent with his actions, it feels like he’s faking it, and others sense that he is not being real. Instead of improving the team’s feelings of being fully heard, they feel confusion, frustration, and more disconnection.

The sense that Ron is being inauthentic outweighs any of the value he is hoping to achieve by using the active listening skills he learned at the seminar – so what is he to do?

WHEN ONE SIZE DOES NOT FIT ALL

First, let’s deal with the myth…

The myth is that a one-size-fits-all approach to leadership competencies and behaviors can make great leaders. That’s just not true.

The truth is that great leadership starts with self-awareness – the understanding of how you naturally show up in the world and how your emotions, your reactions, your work style, your values, and your talent impact you and all of those around you.

In fact, Daniel Goleman, author of Emotional Intelligence: Why It Can Matter More Than IQ and a thought leader on social-emotional intelligence, states that the most effective and successful leaders are not the ones who have the most expertise in their field but those who have the highest level of social and emotional self-awareness.

For Ron, performing this canned set of steps that aren’t aligned with who he is creates chaos and confusion for both him and his team.

So, here are four things I recommended Ron do instead...

#1 - SET CLEAR EXPECTATIONS

Instead of trying to be in listening mode for the entire meeting, move in and out of it.

As an example, Ron could ask his team members to come prepared to share their perspective on a specific topic for a designated period of time, maybe 5 to 10 minutes per team member, and for those minutes, Ron can practice his active listening skills. At the end of each person’s time, Ron can then facilitate the group to transition to action planning.

By being clear about this process in advance, Ron is helping his team shape their expectations around when their perspective can be shared and they’ll be fully heard, and they can also be prepared for the transition to the action-taking piece.

Consistently implementing a framework like this will help both Ron and the team know that they’re going to get what they need and what that’s going to look like.

#2 - JOT IT DOWN

During each team member’s talk time, Ron can be listening in and sifting the speaker’s words for the facts while listing them on paper to paraphrase back to the speaker afterward. This key step is a great fit for Ron’s work style, and it also aligns with best practices for active listening.

In my Navigating Challenging Dialogue® workshops, I let people know that the act of jotting notes while someone speaks helps them to feel heard, and while you’re doing the jotting down, your job is also to clear the emotions, the assumptions, the fears, and the story out of what the person is sharing. That way, when you paraphrase it back to them, it’s firmly grounded in the facts.

To someone like Ron, jotting it down can feel like a bridge to the action step portion of the meeting.

#3 - LISTEN LESS WITH YOUR THINKING BRAIN AND MORE WITH YOUR HEART

What I mean by that is your heart waves extend seven times further outside your body than your brainwaves. Also, your heart has 45,000 neurotransmitters much like the ones in your brain.

The brain, or the thinking mind, is where we begin adding to whatever is presented as the facts. This is where we include our stories, our assumptions, our emotions, and our fears. When your goal is to help another person feel truly heard, it’s better to listen with your heart instead of your brain.

To practice this, take a minute right now and imagine that you can take in and receive information through your heart. Envision it. Feel it. Now, here are steps for a heart-y listening practice—

Getting Started:

• Plant your feet on the ground, and feel the chair or couch supporting your body.

• Breathe in through your nose, and notice that oxygen reaching all the way down into your lungs and your heart. Notice your heart expanding and opening with each inhale.

• Feel the breath leaving your mouth and, with it, release any tension, stress, anxiety, or thinking that isn’t required as part of the listening and, at the same time, notice the beat of your heart.

A Heart-y Listening Practice:

• Allow the words of the other person to come towards you and wash over you,

• Allow your heart to take in the words just as they are, with no need to manipulate, validate, or defend against them, or to prepare what you’re going to say next,

• Maintain soft eye contact and soft body language, and

• If you feel yourself beginning to get impatient or eager to interject, simply focus your attention back to your breath and your heartbeat.

With repetition, this heart-based listening practice can become second nature, and it will be very easy for you to slip into this mode for listening, and then slip out of this mode when it’s time for action steps.

#4 – WATCH THE PLAY AND STAY OUT OF THE WAY

We all attend meetings we have no control over, and sometimes the person in charge of the meeting allows long periods of dialogue and discussion that result in no action whatsoever.

This is when Ron is most frustrated. Sometimes it’s a rehash of what’s been said time and time again, sometimes it’s long, tedious report-outs that have no impact on his goals or objectives. When Ron becomes impatient, his body language (and/or his spoken language) ask people to hurry up, or he starts multitasking because the topic isn’t of value to him, and he gets labeled as “not a team player.”

At times like that, you must have a good listening strategy in spite of your work style. So, I encourage results-driven people like Ron to try this instead—

Imagine yourself as an audience member and:

• Observe what’s happening as if you’re watching a play,

• Listen for the plot and the story line,

• Have empathy for the characters, and

• Listen for cues of where the “play” is going.

And it’s important to behave just as you would if you were in the audience at the theater – don’t jump in, don’t get in their business, and don’t exclaim, “Can we please move on here?!”

Everyone gets to the place they need to be in their own time, and sometimes, your job is to stay out of the way until they get there, just like when you’re watching a play.

ARE YOU LEADING WITH YOUR AUTHENTIC SELF?

We all have times when, like Ron, we try to use a canned approach to camouflage our authentic work style, but the most effective leaders have a deep understanding of their individual work style, their preferences, and their talents, and they know how to manage themselves successfully.

If you’d like to learn more about how to become an authentic leader who has a deep sense of self-awareness and self-leadership, then come to a Navigating Challenging Dialogue Leader Certification training! The workshop will improve communication for both you and your team.

The next Navigating Challenging Dialogue Leadership Certification workshop is happening in Sacramento, California, from June 19–22. For more information about this and other opportunities, go to NavigatingChallengingDialogue.com.

Until next time,
Beth

Get the Most and Best from Your Brain

Highlights

• Clear the way for your next big thing (0:30)

• Work on similar activities in chunks (3:45)

• Tackle the big rocks first (5:55)

• Create the structure your brain needs most (7:10)

• Delegate, delegate, delegate (8:05)

Get the Most and Best from Your Brain

Today I’m going to give you a few tips that will help you make sure you’re using your brain power as effectively and efficiently as possible.

CLEAR THE WAY FOR YOUR NEXT BIG THING

Several years ago, I heard a talk by Sara Caputo of Caputo Consulting. Sara’s magic is helping people understand how to best use their time and resources based on how their brain works.

At the time, I was engaged in many clearing-out projects. I’m a firm believer that letting go of things and creating room in my life (and my business) for whatever needs to show up next is the best way to move forward, even when I’m not entirely certain what that next thing is.

I had read and was implementing many aspects of Marie Kondō’s The Life-Changing Magic of Tidying Up – I’d deleted over 400 obsolete documents from my computer and got my messy desktop down to 4 folders.

And on Sara’s suggestion, I began reading the engaging and easy-to-read book, Your Brain at Work by David Rock.

The end result was a significant increase in my mastery over my workspace and an increase in satisfaction, creativity, and productivity – and I was ready for my next big thing!

The biggest takeaways from Your Brain at Work were two simple truths, both supported by what is known about how the brain functions:

1. The brain loves structure.

2. The brain’s potential is limitless, but the mind can effectively entertain only 4 unique concepts at once. Trying to hold more than 4 concepts in the forefront of our mind at one time exhausts the brain’s energy supply and thereby reduces effectiveness.

It didn’t take me long to connect this to why coaching is so effective. Our brain desires and needs structure, but ironically, when we are totally overwhelmed is when we are least able to create that structure. Working with a coach helps create the structure and the framework, and it helps us focus on just the important components, particularly when we are feeling overwhelmed or overextended.

Here are some simple steps derived from the sources above that have helped both my clients and me for some time.

WORK ON SIMILAR ACTIVITIES IN CHUNKS

Our mind is at its best when it is holding 4 or fewer unique thoughts or ideas at one time. That is why it’s valuable to categorize – or chunk – similar activities together instead of jumping around from one thing to some other thing.

TIP: A coach can help you break down an overwhelming hurdle into chunks.

To do it yourself, take a look at all you need to do in a day (or a week, or even in the lead-up to completion of a big project), and put like tasks and activities into categories.

This is how it works for me: I schedule all my creative writing for first thing in the morning, before my brain uses up all the glucose that’s so important to fuel it. So, all my creative writing tasks are grouped into one chunk in the morning, and when I’m done, that’s it for the day for that type of activity. Responding to email is another chunk, client meetings and coaching sessions are another chunk, and so on.

In her book, Marie Kondō also talks about chunking similar things into categories. Our natural inclination is to tidy up room by room, but Kondō says to attack tidying by category, such as All Clothing, then move to All Electronics, then to All Photos, then All The Papers, regardless of which room or drawer or closet they are in. I tried this, and it was absolutely a much more efficient and effective way to go.

So, where in your workflow can you create chunks of similar tasks instead of hopping from this to that?

TACKLE THE BIG ROCKS FIRST

Big Rocks are those tasks that require more brain resources than others, so it is important to do those first, while your brain still has plenty of energy. Or if you prefer, you might schedule those tasks right after physical exercise, when your brain is most ready to grow and expand.

Ideally, your first tasks each day are those that might feel a little uncomfortable. Either you don’t know how to start them, they require critical-thinking skills, or they’re new to you. Unfamiliar activities take the most energy to complete because the needed brain pathways have not yet been created and reinforced. Familiar activities use the least energy because the pathways already exist.

For me, an example of this is responding to emails. The majority of them are easy to answer or respond to, but messages that require a new proposal or training plan get moved to my chunk of creative writing time that’s first in the morning. It is much more efficient than tackling them when my energy is low. This is effective prioritization!

CREATE THE STRUCTURE YOUR BRAIN NEEDS MOST

Remember that the brain needs structure. An easy way to begin creating structure for yourself is to start with what Sara Caputo calls EOW or End of Work time. This is a period of about 20 minutes reserved at the end of your workday when you stop working on tasks to clean up your desk and get yourself organized for whatever you’re going to work on first the following day.

The idea is that when you arrive at your desk the next day, you’re ready to go! There’s no nagging, leftover mess from the previous day (or week or month) to muddle through, and no decision-making about where you’re going to start. This way, you don’t deplete your available brain energy before you even start tackling your Big Rocks.

DELEGATE, DELEGATE, DELEGATE

The last one, and maybe the most important, is delegation.

The simple truth is we can’t do everything well. Therefore, we should focus on what we are passionate about and can do well, and then delegate as much of the other stuff as possible.

There is a great deal of new information – and more coming daily – about the brain, how it works, and what it needs to increase our creativity, energy, clarity, and happiness.

If you desire to bring about these outcomes but don’t share my passion for learning about the brain, or just don’t have the time, here’s a great chance for you to delegate…

When I work with individuals and teams, I bring all my learning about brain-based research with me to our sessions. I’ll take care of that learning, and you can move forward with effective implementation of what I’ve learned.

If you want to learn more about how the brain works and how it can support us to reduce drama, create ease, and limit the amount of chaos in our work and in our lives, I invite you to check out Navigating Challenging Dialogue. I offer two types of workshops:

• A 2-day Navigating Challenging Dialogue Skills Training workshop, and

• A 4-day Trainer Certification workshop for people who want to incorporate Navigating Challenging Dialogue (NCD) into their workplace and become a mentor for others.

There will be a NCD Certified Trainer workshop in Sacramento, California on June 19–22, 2018, and a NCD Skills Training workshop in Worcester, Massachusetts sometime in July 2018.

You can find the details for both of these workshops at NavigatingChallengingDialogue.com.

- Beth

Anger’s Many Disguises

Highlights

• Anger as an anesthetic (0:25)

• Anger as a shield (1:25)

• Anger as a power boost (3:50)

• My anger and me (6:10)

• How I get rid of my anger (and you can, too) (7:05)

• Take good care of your angry self (9:45)

Click here to download the worksheet

Anger's MANY DISGUISES

Last week, we talked about anger and how:

• Anger is a symptom that can appear when we are feeling found out, embarrassed, insecure or otherwise at risk.

• Anger is a label we’ve assigned to a particular feeling, energy or vibration.

• Some theorize that anger is the entry point or pathway to all negative emotions and not a pure standalone emotion.

• When at work, we might suppress or deny the anger we’re experiencing because we feel it’s inappropriate, but that denying our anger ultimately generates more anger and more resentment – that may express themselves sideways and when we’re least expecting it.

• Destroyed working relationships, stalled careers, and reputations that go in unintended directions are often caused by suppressed or denied anger.

• We use anger as a substitute emotion to avoid dealing with negative emotions we may consider too painful or distressful to experience, such as loss, sadness, grief, and disappointment.

• You can diminish or release your anger with a few simple yet powerful questions that get to its root. You can download a free worksheet to help with this process.

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Now, let’s continue the exploration of anger by looking at a few of its many faces…

Anger as an anesthetic

Anger is one of the ways we numb ourselves from painful emotions, just like when we do too much shopping, drink too much wine, eat too much, spend too much time on Facebook, or create too much drama.

How can you tell if you’re using too much anger as a numbing technique? Notice if you are walking around with a constant edge of anger. Maybe it manifests as being short-tempered with other drivers or holding tight to a long-term grudge against a coworker, or maybe you’re simply continuously snapping at someone you care about.

Anger as a shield

When angry behaviors continually crop up, they can also be indications that we have made a shield of anger. But unlike what many of us assume, that anger shield is not between us and the target – the thing or person we fear might hurt us.

The anger shield is between our internal repressed feelings of sadness, shame, fear, or disappointment, and it keeps us from being able to connect with others.

Anger keeps us focused on an external target instead of healing ourselves. It is so very convenient yet totally unproductive. As long as we reside in our anger, we can avoid personal accountability and the task of forgiving ourselves for disappointing ourselves and others.

We all experience this and, at times, it is helpful to have anger show up, in the same way that shock can be beneficial to someone who has suffered a traumatic injury.

Shock temporarily masks pain and detaches the person from the reality of what is happening. From that place of numbness and detachment, shock can minimize the impact of the trauma and continue to function for the moment.

Anger can also have that effect, and it can be useful for getting our attention – temporarily. But if you experience long-term chronic anger (as I used to), believe me, it holds you back from getting promoted, it keeps you from making real connections with people, and it wreaks havoc with your ability to experience peace.

Anger as a power boost

Anger is a trickster, and it plays tricks on our ego. Anger produces this seductive feeling of I am right!, which provides a temporary boost to self-esteem and empowerment that becomes associated with anger’s energy. But just like a boost from white sugar, the boost from anger is temporary and will certainly be followed by a dip.

Feeling angry can be really satisfying to the ego, much more satisfying than acknowledging the sadness and disappointment that are lying just beneath the anger and dealing with them.

When we immerse ourselves in our anger, we can avoid feeling helpless, vulnerable, and out of control. Anger gives us a false sense of power. Until you become intentional about looking at what lies beneath your anger, you run the risk of developing feelings of vulnerability that turn into anger – and becoming angry when you feel vulnerable is a fast track to becoming known as a bully.

Embracing or immersing yourself in your anger does not address or resolve the problem that caused the negative feelings to begin with. In fact, the problem is still triggering you and putting you at risk for significant social, emotional, and health consequences.

Consciously exploring your anger, however, can be healing, and the ease and peace that follow can improve every facet of your life.

My anger and me

I used to walk around with an edge of anger. I believed it was part of my superpower. I believed that my edge of anger – my quick, emotional trigger – helped me get people motivated to do the work I needed them to do.

I believed my quick, sarcastic retorts were humorous and engaging; I didn’t understand they were manifestations of my angry edge.

If someone cut me off in traffic or dared to give me critical feedback, I could feel the energy I labeled as anger rise up in me, and it felt empowering.

How I get rid of my anger (and you can, too)

Now, when I feel angry energy rising in me, I immediately pause and breathe and ask myself,

“In this situation, what is causing me to be fearful,
and what am I sad or disappointed about?”

and then I allow myself to feel those underlying feelings instead of the anger.

Then I ask myself,

“In this situation, what did I do or think or expect which I need to forgive myself for?”

Self-forgiveness is the ultimate act of gratitude and self-love. It is so powerful in its simplicity. In any situation that inspires anger in you, I encourage you to find the smallest kernel, the littlest piece you can take accountability for, and apologize to yourself and forgive yourself for it. It costs nothing, and the risks are so minimal while the reward is immense – a positive shift in your energy.

If, in fact, your anger did come out towards someone, and you must now find the road to reconnection and healing, try doing it through the lens of the answers to those questions—

“Oh man, I am so sorry for my angry remarks to you in that meeting. I was feeling vulnerable. On reflection, I realized that I was fearful of losing the respect of my peers when you gave me that feedback on the work. I was so disappointed that I had let you down and that I had not done the best work I could do on that project. I’m looking forward to moving forward from here.”

A clear and thoughtful apology is a much healthier and more authentic way to approach healing and reconnection than all the energy and drama and chaos it takes to stay in anger, to try proving that you’re right and the other person is wrong.

Take good care of your angry self

You know, this inner and outer work that I’ve described, that I’m inviting you to participate in, is all part of the art of self-leadership and self-management.

Asking these simple (yet powerful!) questions of yourself will increase your social and emotional competencies; it will hone the most powerful tool in your toolbox, which is your self-awareness – your understanding of how you show up in the world and how the behaviors you choose impact yourself and those around you.

As I discovered through my own practice, following these simple steps to dissolve your anger also gives you the ability to increase positive connections and relationships while reducing the amount of drama and stress and chaos in your life.

Explore the dissipation of your anger and engage in this practice

Thank you for reading! If you have learned some things or gained some tools, feel free to share this article with your friends on Facebook and/or your followers on Twitter.

Beth

Gossip - It's Just Like Sugar

Highlights

• How do you define gossip? (1:00)

• How I define gossip. (2:30)

• Banking on your workplace or group culture. (5:30)

• How to get clean of a gossip addiction. (8:35)

• How people will respond to you when you’re clean. (12:20)

It’s Just Like Sugar!

It’s time to start thinking about what you might want to shift or change in the new year.

I have a great suggestion for you … this is one of my favorite topics, and I think it’s one of the places where a little shift can bring about so much happiness, such great connections with others, and really reduce the time that we’re distracted and feeling bad about ourselves.

The name of this article is It’s Just Like Sugar, but the important thing for you to know is this is not about sugar at all.

I was doing an assessment recently when I asked a staff member if there’s a lot of gossip in their office. She responded by asking me to describe what I meant by gossip. That is a great question, and now, I’m going to ask you.

How do you define gossip?

Maybe you came up with a definition similar to what you would find in the dictionary: “idle talk or rumor, especially about the personal or private affairs of others,” or maybe you came up with this quote from Henry Thomas Buckle: “Great minds discuss ideas. Average minds discuss events. Small minds discuss people.”

Or perhaps you came up with something that’s brimming with the titillation of gossip. Like Alice Roosevelt Longworth famously said, “If you haven’t got anything nice to say about anybody, come and sit next to me.”

Most organizations or groups, including family and friends, participate in some level of what can be defined as gossip. We all know that gossip is bad. It can be damaging and slowly wear and tear at the vital framework that keeps a group or a team cohesive, a family solidified, and an organization moving towards its goals.

How I define gossip

The way I describe gossip is by understanding what it feels like when I’m participating in it. Here are some of my definitions:

• The information I’m sharing is emotional and not pure fact.

• I feel an energy, a titillation, that makes it hard to hold the information – I really want to pass it to somebody else.

• Somewhere inside me, there’s a little voice questioning if it’s right, if it’s healthy, if it’s productive for me to pass it on – but I do anyway.

• After I walk away from a gossip-based exchange, I feel a little shame, a little remorse, and sometimes a little guilt.

• I benefit from sharing the information more than the subject benefits from having me share it.

• The information distracts or detracts from what the organization, the group, or the person is trying to achieve.

• I hear myself starting the conversation with something like, “I’d say this to her face if she were here.”

• The sharing helps me feel validated by confirming my negative stories or fears as truth.

• My story ends with, “See? I told you he was untrustworthy.” or “I knew that plan would blow up in our face.” or “Yep, I was pretty certain she would be a horrible parent.”

• Or lastly, the information minimizes someone who has something that I secretly covet or desire for myself. “Did you hear she just bought a new Jaguar? Well, I heard from my neighbor that she owes money to everybody in town.” or “Yep, he looks great. But my sister told me that he’s having an affair.” or “I don’t want to cause any trouble, but I think you need to know that everybody thinks she’s a bad manager.”

Banking on your workplace or group culture

When I think about positive culture and climate in a workplace or with a group, I like to think about a savings account.

You can make deposits in the savings account, and over time, you can build it to be strong and healthy, even enjoying the benefit of a little interest or dividend. Or you can make withdrawals from the account, depleting the savings and gaining no interest and no dividends.

Gossip is a withdrawal from the healthy climate and culture of a group.

Gossip breaks down trust, even if you’re feeling connected and involved because you’re the one who always has the inside scoop. But think about how many people actually trust you with what really matters: How many people depend on you when a situation calls for complete focus and no drama? And how many people have been hurt or alienated by the gossip?

My favorite one to reflect on: How much time do you spend mending fences and repairing relationships that have been negatively impacted by gossip? Believe me, we are all – myself included – drawn to gossip. Sometimes it just makes me feel temporarily better about myself to be able to believe that someone else is struggling, human, flawed, challenged, or weak.

Sean Covey says, “Isn’t it kind of silly to think that tearing someone else down actually builds you up?” Because how long does the boost from the titillation of gossip last? And how authentic is it?

My friends, gossip is like refined white sugar:

• You crave it because you need a boost.

• It has no nutritional or long-term value.

• Once you start eating it, your mood spikes temporarily,

• Then your mood dips and you need another dose, and

• Suddenly you’re caught in this vicious cycle.

It’s the same with gossip.

How to get clean of a gossip addiction

As individuals, we each have an important and powerful role in changing the climate and the culture we don’t like in our workplaces, families, or groups. Being aware of what gossip means to you and then intentionally working to break the habit is the most powerful way you can positively impact your own happiness, your own positive experience, even when you’re feeling powerless.

Here’s the path to get clean from gossip addiction

1. Jot down exactly what gossip looks like, sounds like, and feels like to you. This will help you to really get in touch with recognizing when you’re participating in gossip.

2. List all the ways you perceive you benefit from participating in conversations or exchanges that are similar to the ones you described in Step 1.

3. List all the ways or examples you can think of that those exchanges distract you or drain your energy.

4. Make a list of all the times you can think of that gossip-based exchanges have alienated you from other people through hurt feelings, the breakdown of trust, or disconnection from people who decided they don’t want to participate in gossip.

5. Write down examples of how your day might be different if you magically no longer had any ability to participate in gossip.
   Would you have less drama? More clarity? More laughter? Would you have more time to do what you enjoy? Would you have less negative energy in your life? How do you imagine your day might be different without gossip?

6. Play with a phrase or sentence that you can reply with automatically when someone approaches you to tempt you with the tidbit of gossip. Practice saying it until it rolls off your tongue.
   One that has been handy to me is to say, “Oh, thanks. I decided I’m just going to work on creating more positive energy in my life, so I’m not going to engage in gossip. But I’d love to hear about something that’s going really well for you.”

How people will respond to you when you’re clean

Trust me. When you begin creating a boundary, people may have a negative reaction at first; but over time, they’re going to see the benefit you derive from this new practice. They’re going to see that you have more energy, you’re less distracted, you have greater respect coming to you from others and, eventually, they’re going to jump on board.

And if they don’t follow your lead, trust me: They’re going to find another outlet for their gossip, and you may even be the subject of the gossip for a period of time.

But just remember this: People will have thoughts about you.

And that is the end of the sentence.

Clients ask me all the time, “Beth, will you be able to change the culture in our office?” and I always tell them the truth, “Nope! But you can, and I can help you.”

The first step is simple but true: Take responsibility for your own addiction to gossip and break it.

I’m wishing each of you the happiest of new years and looking forward to a drama-free, gossip-free 2018.

Beth

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So, are you dealing with drama and chaos in your workplace? If you are, contact me.  Let’s get together and dig below the apparent symptoms to uncover the real concerns, and build a plan to increase the forward movement of your team or organization.

Build a Roaring Fire of Confidence and Power

Highlights

• Are you suffering from The Impostor Syndrome? (0:10)

• When the Impostor Syndrome's voice often raises its ugly head (0:50)

• When comparison becomes a weapon instead of an insightful tool (5:25)

• When you choose to appear perfect over being authentic (7:45)

• Three things you can do to break free of The Impostor Syndrome (10:35

Are you ever afraid you’ll be found out?

You know what I’m talking about – that moment when you stop in your tracks and think, “What if they find out I don’t know as much as they think I do? What if they find out I’m not really equipped for this job?”

Well, if your answer is Yes, you’re in good company because most of us suffer from Impostor Syndrome. The Impostor Syndrome’s voice most often rears its ugly head when we attribute our success to factors outside of ourselves.

Impostor Syndrome Sign #1: Not taking the credit for our success

Have you ever heard yourself saying, “Oh, it was just fate” or “Oh, I got the promotion because they didn’t want to look outside for a candidate” or “Oh, it was luck”? Sometimes we attribute our success to these things instead of our skills, knowledge, hard work, and tenacity.

Here are some of the questions within which the Impostor Syndrome thrives:

• Who am I to write a book?

• Who am I to have this job?

• Who am I to offer my opinion in this problem-solving scenario?

Recently, I was working with an emerging leader who was invited to attend a really high-power strategy session for her organization.

In her mind, she had a litany of reasons for why she had been invited to this strategy session. The thing that was so interesting to me was that not one of those reasons had to do with her skills, expertise, and length of time she had been with the company.

When I questioned her on this, it was really challenging for her to accept that she had been invited to the table because she had something of value to offer. Her fear that she would not be able to hold her own with the rest of the group was really limiting and inhibiting her ability to embrace and congratulate herself for being invited to the table.

So I asked her to give me three concrete examples of why she was qualified to be at the table and, not surprisingly, it was very easy for her. They rolled off her tongue: “I’ve been with the company longer than anybody else. I’ve managed several highly visible and successful projects. I’m the only one in the team that has this level of attention to detail.”

Those are three really great reasons to be invited to a high-level strategy session. And as she listed those reasons, it became clear to her – and almost comical in a way – that she had questioned her value. That question of “Who am I to be invited to this meeting?” was creating a roadblock to her stepping into her power.

I could hear the relief in her voice as she answered my question, and then she was ready to develop the next steps that would help her move into her power and confidence. These are what she came up with…

• I will stop and let go of questioning that holds me back and portrays me as being small.

• I will ask for direct feedback on what value others perceive I will bring to the meeting.

• I will focus on the places that I have strengths, confidence, and passion.

This changed the way she was able to show up, not only in this meeting but other meetings going forward.

Impostor Syndrome Sign #2: Using comparison as a weapon

The next place that the Impostor voice rises up is in comparison. Comparison is to self-confidence as water is to fire, but it fuels the Impostor Syndrome.

Your cousin’s Facebook announcement about their promotion quickly turns into a self-beating about your progress on your own career path. When a teammate receives accolades for finding a problem on the profit and loss spreadsheet, you suddenly delve into beating yourself up about how you’re not good at reading the financial statements, even though you (and everyone else in the organization) know your greatest strength is customer service.

Comparison is the ultimate act of violence against self-confidence. Next time you are tempted to turn the strengths and successes of someone else into a recrimination against yourself, breathe and bring your attention back to the only person you have any control over – yourself.

Just as you would add logs to keep a roaring fire going, remind yourself of the strengths and skills you possess, and focus your energy on building those skills just as you would build a fire by adding logs, not water.

Impostor Syndrome Sign #3: Playing it safe and playing it small

The Impostor Syndrome can also hook us when it tempts us to keep ourselves small from a fear of failure. I spend so much time working with emerging leaders and current leaders who have places where they still play small.

They are afraid to stand firmly in their unique place of strength because they’re so afraid they might not do it perfectly. Equally important to understanding and embracing your strengths is understanding and embracing your vulnerabilities.

For me, personally, I frequently do not get behind the person who portrays that they know it all. I actually resist that person. For me, I connect with the person who is self-aware and honest enough to admit what isn’t their area of strength and, instead, surround themselves with people who possess the strengths they don’t.

In other words, I don’t look to get behind a faker. If you overcompensate or try to cover up for the places where you aren’t skilled or strong, you actually foster mistrust – mistrust in yourself and the mistrust of others – giving your Impostor voice an opportunity to scream for attention.

But if you choose to be aware of and open about both your strengths and your gaps, and you ask for help and mentoring where you need it, you are not choosing to play it safe. Instead, you’re choosing to step into an amazing trajectory of growth, development, connection, and opportunity, and people will line up behind you to help you be successful.

How to break free of The Impostor Syndrome

So, as we come into the beginning of 2018, this is a beautiful time for some reflection and energy around letting go of the Impostor voice. What are some steps you can take to do that?

Ask for insight from others. Select two people you trust and one person you’re not quite sure about, and ask them a few really simple questions: What do they see as your greatest strengths? What do they see as your vulnerabilities? When you walk into a room, what energy do you project?

Make a list of the top 3 to 5 pieces of evidence that demonstrate your expertise and knowledge. These can be examples of times when you did something really well, when you received compliments and feedback, or when you supported others stepping into their power by lending your strengths and expertise.

When you notice you are comparing yourself to others, take a breath and shift, and instead of measuring your strength, your success, and your ability against someone else’s, notice what intrigued you about their success. Feel into your body to see if something about their success feels attractive to you, interesting to you, energizing to you. Maybe that’s an area of skill or expertise that you might want to build within yourself, to bring out within yourself, to foster and develop so that you can stand in your power and passion in your unique way.

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As we come into the beginning of a new year, it is a great time to take stock of what your power, passion, and confidence are built of, to begin adding the logs to your fire instead of allowing the Impostor Syndrome to throw water on your fire and quench your confidence.

I look forward to continuing to connect here in the coming year.

Beth