Rebuilding Relationships Damaged by Miscommunication
We all have experienced relationships that are damaged by miscommunication. Some of these relationships are ones that you might be happy to just let go. But sometimes there is a relationship that you miss and wish you could repair.
Repairing and rebuilding damaged relationships is a choice. The process of rebuilding a damaged relationship can be a bit uncomfortable but it is often worth the effort.
Step One: Reflect on why the relationship hasn’t already repaired itself.
If you are human, your first thought may center on the other person. What did they do? What haven’t they done? In what ways were they wrong?
Switch up your thoughts. Center instead on how you behaved or what you said that you wish you’d done differently. What have you done or not done since. Do you avoid them? Not speak to them?
You can tell which actions or thoughts are keeping you from repairing the relationship if, when you think about them, you feel a little uncomfortable inside. Maybe it is a bit of shame or guilt or wishing you’d been better. It takes a bit of patience, kindness, and vulnerability with yourself because your ego wants to deflect and focus on the other person’s faults.
This is a form of misguided self-protection. Pause and just sit with the discomfort and literally forgive yourself.
Step Two: Remember the things you did value about the relationship and the other person.
Make a list of three to five things that you really enjoyed or respected about them and you together.
Maybe it was how well your skills and knowledge balanced each other out. Maybe it was how easily you solved a big challenge together. Maybe it was how you could laugh together when things went wrong. Or how comfortable you were sharing clear and honest feedback that made each other better.
Decide if those are things you want to share and experience again. Remember, it is a choice.
Step Three: Get clean and clear.
Repairing the relationship won’t work if, in your thoughts, you are setting conditions such as, “I will re-engage as long as they apologize for X” or “I will re-engage as long as they change Y.”
This is not about conditions or getting someone to behave in a way that you want.
It also doesn't mean the relationship goes back to exactly what it was. It can’t. But it can be rebuilt to be something new.
Step Four: Trust is built one conversation at a time and one experience at a time.
Often when relationships are in disrepair it is because trust collapsed under pressure or tension. Think back to the last place or experience where you really felt trust with this person. Maybe it was when you were working jointly on a big project where each of you were operating in your zone of genius. Or perhaps it was right before the pandemic when we all felt more certainty and were connecting in-person rather than virtually.
Whatever the case, can you feel that level of trust again? Are you willing and able to restart from that place and rebuild trust slowly, one conversation at a time and one experience at a time?
Step Five: Have a conversation.
Breathe and center yourself.
State what you regret or feel badly about.
Talk about what you valued and miss.
And invite the person to re-engage.
Sample Dialogue
“Sarah, I’ve been thinking about our relationship. I regret that when we last spoke, I was accusatory instead of curious. I miss how we worked so well together on projects and all the fun we had. I’d like to re-engage and rebuild our relationship. I’m wondering if you’d be open to that?”
Remember, the only person you can manage is yourself.
They may be surprised, not ready, or feel vulnerable. That’s okay. Be emotionally clear and clean in what you express, and don’t take it personally if they need time and space to process, or even if they say no.
Relationships and connections with others are precious. We all need them to sustain ourselves, grow, and develop to our fullest potential. However, some relationships are unhealthy and best to be ended.
It is up to you to determine if you’d like to take steps toward repair and rebuilding. No matter the outcome, the reflection and engagement will help you to understand yourself better.