Disagreeing Better
Sasha Mobley, a former colleague and Navigating Challenging Dialogue® facilitator, recently introduced me to a movement called “Disagree Better” which is being developed by the National Governors Association. When I googled the term, a range of resources appeared.
I love the term disagree better because that is the essence of the work of Navigating Challenging Dialogue — to continue to create connection and build trust, even when we don’t agree.
There is no question that, as a world, nation, and individuals, we’ve faced many challenges that have caused us to become fractured and disconnected from others with whom we do not agree. However, the challenges we face will not be solved without curiosity and empathy.
But it isn’t easy to engage with curiosity and empathy when you feel like your beliefs, values, freedoms, and future is at stake.
I know this for a fact because, like you, I’m human. And as humans, our physiology is wired to drive us into protection mode when we feel threatened or at risk. So it takes intentionality and practice to be present with curiosity and empathy.
Why is disagreement healthy?
Being connected with others is essential for mental wellbeing, physical health, and for our very survival. Without listening deeply with curiosity, we miss out on creating connections.
Strong opinions are often derived out of our life experience, socialization, values, and fears. Disagreeing in healthy ways helps us to learn about a person beyond their presenting opinion.
The tension of healthy conflict stimulates new ideas, new solutions, and helps us further expand our knowledge and our view.
Now I’m not advocating that you should welcome everyone* into a relationship if their views are damaging to you or cause additional trauma. But I am advocating for not being so quick to get into an argument with someone just because their viewpoint differs from yours.
How to listen better:
When you are engaged in a conversation that feels like unhealthy conflict, pause.
Notice the feelings and emotions that are being generated inside of you. What do you feel like protecting or defending? What emotional energy are you contributing to the dialogue?
Take a moment and consider what the facts are, and notice what assumptions, expectations, or fears are being shared (by both you and the other person).
Listen with empathy and curiosity. Instead of debating the key points, ask how the person came to that view or opinion in the first place. Context helps create understanding.
Share your story of how you came to your opinion, belief, or view.
Cultivate and invite curiosity rather than jump to conclusions or judgment.
Engage to learn and grow not to win.
As we head into another election season, and a time when unity and connection will be further challenged, I’d like to invite us all to set an intention to practice engaging with curiosity, empathy, emotional consistency, and integrity. Let’s remain focused on how we are the same rather than how we are different.
I know that for me, staying in curiosity and out of judgment will require a great deal of intentionality and awareness on my part, but I am going to try.
How about you?