The Risk of Unspokens
I recently worked with an independent school whose mission is to educate through the lens of peacemaking and nature.
The session I was facilitating was a strategic dialogue to answer the questions:
Who are we?
What do we do?
How do we do it?
Who are we here for?
Like so many schools and organizations, this particular school has weathered ups and downs recently including the departure of the beloved founder and head of school, and the pandemic. The school has been operating for 30+ years and like so many passion projects that are led by a dedicated, charismatic, and gifted founder, this school was having an identity crisis in the aftermath of so much change.
The participants in the session were a combination of board members, parents, adults who attended the school as children, and educators. Everyone came energized and eager to dive in.
At noon on day one, I began to realize that there were many emotions stirring just under the surface. People were being very careful with what they said out of respect for others, not wanting to hurt feelings, and perhaps fearing what vulnerability might feel like. I could feel, and see in people’s body language, the tension of withholding unspoken thoughts and feelings.
While I ate my lunch, I pondered if we’d make any progress while people were withholding what they really wanted to say and feel. I knew the answer was “not likely”.
We returned from our break and when we settled in, I reminded everyone again about the norms we agreed to so that we’d all communicate freely. I then asked about the “unspokens” in the room. Unspokens are your truths showing up as words, phrases, and fully formed thoughts but instead of speaking them aloud, you hold them in just keep thinking about them. Often, we hold onto them because we don’t want to upset or offend anyone, or we fear being vulnerable. However, when we withhold what we’re thinking, it festers. And within that festering, people experience emotional hotspots.
Emotional hotspots happen when your amygdala senses that you are at risk and need protection. Once the amygdala receives the message, it begins the process of activating your flight or fight response. It is at this point that someone may say or do something that they normally would not. When an emotional hotspot activates, it is challenging to control how emotional energy shows up in the room.
I assured the group that I could — and would — hold the safe space container so we could dialogue about even the hardest of things. And I explained that unspokens must be said aloud in order for us to get down to the real work in a way that was going to be lasting, sustainable, and authentic. Otherwise, we’d just have a nice couple of days together but would not come into alignment on anything.
One courageous person spoke her truth with integrity, compassion, with a focus on the good of the whole.
This was when the actual dialogue, not just polite conversation, began. This is when the people in the room were able to begin bridging the past with the future. This is when healing started.
We left those two days with relationships intact, deeper connections having been built, a plan for forward moving, and unity and alignment. People reflected by sharing words like, “This was healing”, “I am re-energized”, “I feel deeply hopeful”, “I feel heard”.
Taking a pause to revisit these sacred questions is critical to sustainability and so often overlooked:
Who are we?
What do we do?
How do we do it?
Who are we here for?
We spent 1.5 days together. In that time, we not only answered those questions, but also came up with a draft of an updated mission statement, identified key strategic vision points, had a curriculum working session, and identified next steps.
But best of all, everyone bought in. And everyone had gained skills in speaking their truth.
I’d love to hold space and provide facilitation for your organization, company, or team to come together and bridge the past with the future in a healthy, constructive, and sustainable way.
If you’re interested in booking me, or if you’d like to talk about how facilitation can help your project or organization, please setup a phone call at: https://NCDsolution.com/beth