How to Turn Around Chronic Complainers
Chronic complainers are exhausting. They deplete the energy of everyone around them. The challenge is that they often don’t see themselves as complainers. But nevertheless, a chronic complainer must be dealt with before they bring down an entire team.
In their mind, they see themselves like this:
Not listened to: “No one ever listens to me”
The educator: “I’m just pointing out what everyone else knows but won’t say.”
Truth teller: “Just being honest here.”
Weak: “I am powerless and the circumstances around me are powerful.”
Being helpful: “I’m just letting you know what you are in for.”
The marginalized: “It’s not fair.”
Missing out: “Why me? I’m always getting the short end of the stick.”
Giving you a reality check: “It’s just too hard.”
Misunderstood: “You just don’t get it. Things always go wrong.”
Blocked: “There is just no way I can do what needs to be done. No way!”
Seeking support: “If you understood, you’d be on my side.”
Righteous: “It’s not my fault. It’s ____fault.”
Here is the Deal
Chronic complaining usually begins as a pattern in childhood. It is a behavior that has been rewarded with attention and sympathy. The chronically complaining co-worker or employee is now looking to you for those rewards. The chronic complainer’s brain has actually altered their neural pathways to crave those rewards to the point that complaining has become part of their identity and personality.
Don’t waste your time and energy trying to help a chronic complainer see that they don’t have it as bad as others. If you do, you will just become another person who doesn’t understand their plight. Likely, they will try to prove it to you by complaining louder and more often.
Remember, the chronic complainer truly does see their situation as harder and more unfortunate than anyone else’s*.
*It is important to note that some people do have a heavier burden or more tragedy than others. I’m not talking about those people. I am talking about people whose lot in life is actually not that difficult but because their perception that their life is more difficult than most has become deeply embedded in how they view themself and their circumstances.
Chronic complainers are not looking for advice or alternative suggestions. Anything you offer that contradicts their powerlessness, or recognition of their hardship, will be rejected.
How To Proceed With The Chronic Complainer
Validate their experience: “Yes. I hear that you feel ______. It must be hard to feel that way.”
Set limits on complaining: “Regardless, I only want to hear about challenges that we have the ability to resolve. And your ideas on how to do that. If you want to complain, that’s okay. But you must do it with a solution attached”. Your job is to be open to imperfect solutions as they attempt to retrain their brain.
Stop repetition: “You said that earlier. I don’t want to hear about it again. I want to hear what your action plan is.”
In the midst of the complaint, ask the complainer to share one thing about the situation that they are grateful for. This helps disrupt the existing pattern of leaning into complaining.
Be honest. Let the complainer know in a very kind, empathetic, but clear way how their complaining behavior is impacting others: “I don’t know if you are aware of this but you complain more than others here. When you are complaining, it impacts your coworkers and their ability to focus, solve problems, and enjoy your company. When you feel the urge to complain, take a breath and consider if there is a positive comment you could contribute. I know this might be uncomfortable or feel unnatural to you. But it is necessary because our work is about (insert the mission or goals of the team or company) and when you are in a complaining phase, it isn’t helping us get there.”
Take time to acknowledge positive change. When you notice the chronic complainer being positive, taking action, or even just getting through a conversation with no complaints, give them the reward of acknowledgement that they normally would seek through complaining. “It was great working with you today.” “You did a great job contributing in the meeting.” “That was a really good idea you had.”
Create a framework and guidelines. Example:
“These are the three kinds of communication I want to engage in with you.
When you have good news to share with me. Maybe you solved a problem or have a positive idea.
When you want to point out something positive or helpful you witnessed someone else doing and are grateful.
When you have a problem or challenge that you can not solve by yourself and you need my advice or help.”
Coaching is a great way to support a chronic complainer. You must first give clear feedback that the complaining is getting in the way of their success in the workplace. Tell them that the opportunity to work with a coach is because you believe in their ability to make change and want to help them be successful. Let the coach know specifically what the goal of their work together is and check to see if it is within their expertise to help.
Sometimes you may be able to manage a chronic complainer well enough to perform their duties without negatively impacting the team, but most of the time, this type of management takes too much energy.
Firing a chronic complainer may be necessary, but please, be honest and let them know what it is that is holding them back so they have the information necessary to explore making change if they choose to do so.
How are you dealing with chronic complainers on your team?