Identifying and Reframing Negative Stories (Part 2 of 3)
This is part 2 of a 3-part series, “Understanding and Transforming Negative Stories.” We’re delving into the stories that we tell ourselves and how, sometimes, those stories can impact the choices we make, how we relate to others, and how we communicate.
Last week we looked at three types of negative stories. This week you will learn how to recognize and isolate those stories within yourself. Next week, you’ll get the steps to begin turning the stories around and taking action that empowers you to get unstuck.
Victim, villain, and hero stories help to make you more comfortable by masking areas where you could improve accountability, responsibility, and experience growth. There are a few self-coaching questions you can ask yourself to increase self-awareness and identify if you are being held back by these negative stories.
Step One
When you are feeling disappointment, frustration, sadness, or anger towards someone or a group (e.g. “all those millennials”) pause and isolate the exact thought as it is running through your mind.
Example 1 – Story: All those millennials feel so privileged that I have to work harder just to make sure the work gets done.
Example 2 – Story: Why does this keep happening? Now my child has been put on a soccer team with kids who are faster and better! I can’t believe they put my child on this team! People in this town play favorites. I’m going to call and give them a piece of my mind and get him on a team where he will get more playing time. This is so unfair!
Example 3 – Story: I will just redo the report myself because if I give feedback to Larry, he will pout and stomp around and make everyone, including me, more miserable.
Step Two
Ask yourself these questions:
Is everything in this thought actually 100% true?
By believing this thought, what discomfort am I protecting myself from?
By taking action according to this thought, what discomfort am I protecting others from?
How would my life (day-to-day routine, happiness, stress) improve if I never thought this thought again?
What is a more truthful version of this thought?
Example 1 – Reframe: One person, Sara, exhibits behaviors that lead me to believe she doesn’t fully understand the level of work and accountability required to do this job well.
Example 2 – Reframe: My child has been assigned to a team that will stretch him and give him opportunities to grow. I’m curious however if there may be a better fit.
Example 3 – Reframe: Larry needs to understand that there is a gap between his current level of performance and what is needed to do the job correctly.
What within this is within my control and my own self-management (accountability, responsibility)?
Example 1 – Facts: Sara is not my direct report but her lack of follow through impacts my ability to do my job. My responsibility is to manage myself around this.
Example 2 – Facts: I have no idea why this choice was made but I’m noticing it is making me uncomfortable. I’m wondering where that discomfort comes from within me. My job as a parent is to not put my fears and discomfort onto my child.
Example 3 – Facts: My job is to help Larry grow and develop using his strengths and talents. Therefore, it is my responsibility to:
give him specific and actionable feedback,
make sure he has the training and tools to do his work,
communicate the expectation that he manages his emotions and behaviors in ways that contribute positively to the work environment.
Your Homework
Look for opportunities to isolate your own negative stories and walk through the process. Next week we will identify how to take actions that will empower you to get unstuck from your own negative stories. Get in touch to share how it’s going.