Stories That Prevent Growth And Development (Part 1 of 3)
This is part 1 of a 3-part series, “Understanding and Transforming Negative Stories.” We’re delving into the stories that we tell ourselves and how, sometimes, those stories can impact the choices we make, how we relate to others, and how we communicate.
First up, we’re looking at three types of negative stories. Next week you will learn how to recognize and isolate those stories within yourself. In week three, you will learn steps to turn the stories around and take action that empowers you, instead of staying stuck.
Part 1: What are negative stories?
I don’t have any hard evidence, but I’m pretty sure babies don’t lie around having thoughts such as, “If only my brother didn’t speak so well, people would like me better.” or “I’ll never have the life I want because of the choices my parents made.” Or “Boy oh boy, millennials sure don’t know how to pull their weight in the workplace!”
Yet as we grow out of the baby stage and into our ability to understand and apply meaning to language and emotional feelings (usually around age 7), we begin to tell ourselves what is called negative stories.
I don’t believe that we are born with an innate desire to run negative stories through our mind in response to the world around us. I believe that as we become socialized and our cognitive abilities develop, we begin to compare ourselves to others, internalize negative stories to protect ourselves from taking responsibility, being accountable, and feeling shame, sadness, and guilt.
I also believe that if you want to be in a healthy relationship that is mutually enriching while building trust and a deep connection sustained over time, it is essential to recognize negative stories. Learn to catch yourself, and stop relying on them to bring you out of discomfort.
When you are immersed in your negative stories, you believe that someone else or something else should be providing you with what you need and want. Real change comes when you choose to be empowered to use our own unique strengths, talents, and expertise.
Now it’s true that sometimes circumstances may prevent you from attaining exactly what you desire and want. But negative stories will prevent you from empowering yourself to make any change at all. Below are the three most prevalent negative stories that humans tend to lean into. As you read through these, notice if any sound familiar to you.
Victim Stories
In a classic victim story one might shrug their shoulders, throw up their hands, and say, “I give up. I just can’t make the right choice. Everyone else is so much smarter, luckier, and has more opportunities than me. My life sucks and it just isn’t fair!”
The prevalent themes in victim stories are powerlessness, lack of fairness, and helpless defeat. These themes are ploys to distract you from the uncomfortable but necessary work of being accountable for change and empowering your own growth and development. While we all wallow in victim stories from time to time, people who stay in victim mode remain in a state of helplessness, blaming things that are out of their control.
Villain Stories
In the villain story, someone else is to blame for your own dissatisfaction or failure. The underlying belief is that if only they had provided you with what they “should” have, all of your problems would go away. Feeling stressed, vulnerable, or displeased, can prompt one to immediately look for an outside source to blame.
“My mother didn’t teach me how to cook so I just can’t. It is all her fault.”
“I’m over my head in credit card debt because my boss doesn’t value me and pays so poorly. If that jerk would just give me a raise, all my troubles would be over.”
The villain story can appear similar to the victim story. The key difference is where the blame is directed. The victim story blames fate, destiny, and self. The villain story places the blame on a specific person or group, as in “the company”, or a group of people with something in common, like race.
In the example about getting a raise, while it’s true that a raise might help with debt, the villain story passes the buck for the cause of the debt. A person who holds onto their villain story instead of examining it and learning from it will likely find themself in debt again shortly after receiving the raise because they aren’t taking accountability for spending habits and money management.
Hero Stories
A hero story leads us to believe that we can fix everything for everyone else because the hero doesn’t want to experience the discomfort that arises in conflict, through feedback, or during disagreement.
The hero tends to struggle with creating boundaries or holding space for issues to surface. The hero often takes more than their share of responsibility in an effort to “save” others from a burden or discomfort. The hero’s goal is not to help the others to be accountable, learn, grow, and develop. Instead, the hero is trying to avoid watching others struggle. They miss that the most significant growth always comes through some level of discomfort and struggle.
By acting out a hero story, you are literally taking opportunities for growth away from others. Eventually you will end up burnt out, angry, and resentful because the discomfort never actually resolves. Instead it simmers under the surface.
You can see the hero story at play when a disagreement arises between two employees at a business meeting and the hero steps in to relieve both of them. Often the victim and hero, or villain and hero, stories are both at play in the conflict. People in victim or villain mode often activate the hero story in others who are not aware of this tendency.
Some parents are regularly in a hero story, doing all they can to make sure their children don’t experience disappointment or frustration. They don’t see that disappointment and frustration are an essential part of the human experience, and by regularly showing up as the hero, their children miss out on important developmental steps.
Another good example is when a salesperson and a customer are in conflict. The salesperson might believe that the customer is being difficult while the customer believes that a promise made isn’t being honored. The salesperson brings it to the sales manager saying, “This guy is ridiculous. I can’t help it but I’m going to be not very nice if we don’t get this resolved.” The sales manager, instead of coaching the salesperson on skills to resolve the issue, might say, “I will take care of it. Put him through to me.” Thus, they’re appeasing the customer and relieving the salesperson from learning and growing.
Although acting the hero may build your ego, give you a reputation as the problem solver, and get you promoted, it ultimately leads to burn out and frustration. And it fuels the stories of helplessness and blame for those in the victim and villain roles.
Practice Recognizing the Stories
Victim, villain, and hero stories seem to make you more comfortable by masking areas where you could improve accountability and responsibility, and experience growth.
Over the next week, notice where you see these kinds of stories coming up in your thoughts. In what way do they bring you comfort? Are there times when leaning into these kinds of stories actually create drama or unhealthy conflict for you or those around you?
Next week I will share how to isolate the story, examine it for what it is, and then begin to take action that moves you forward instead of keeping you stuck.