Turning Conflict Into Collaboration
Take just a moment and think about the last time you had a really uncomfortable conflict with someone.
What was the situation?
Who was involved?
What specifically made it uncomfortable?
Often what makes conflict uncomfortable isn’t the specific point of disagreement, but outside factors that influence the situation.
For example, arguing with your partner or spouse while your kids or in-laws can hear you. While you were concerned with having your opinion heard, you were also likely concerned with how those observing would judge you. Because of these conflicting concerns, you realize that you must now decide whether to engage or back down.
Similarly, you could be in the middle of a disagreement with a coworker but feel uncomfortable because your leadership was in the room. Again, how would those observing the interaction view you?
Or maybe someone posted something that you found offensive on social media. You want to respond but you are worried it will cause people to jump in or cause new conflicts to arise that you were not intending. Again, do you express your view or back down?
In every one of these situations, you are faced with a choice. It’s not about the conflict itself, but rather the thought, “what will others think of me.”
The pressure of outside influences can turn conflict into unhealthy conflict.
Even in healthy conflict, if what you want to express is left unsaid because you’re not comfortable saying it, it simmers and eventually boils over.
The outcome can be far worse than if it had been discussed immediately. And over time, those simmering, suppressed thoughts can be misdirected and come out sideways as sarcasm, blaming, shaming, gossip, manipulation, avoidance, or other unproductive communication behaviors. And this is what turns a potentially healthy conflict into an unhealthy conflict.
Unhealthy conflict damages relationships. In unhealthy conflict someone wins and someone loses. Unhealthy conflict distracts from and sometimes suspends forward movement and innovation. And unhealthy conflict leaves us feeling yucky and dissatisfied long after we think the conflict is over.
Fact: most of us have only learned how to engage in unhealthy conflict.
Healthy conflict actually increases connection and builds trust. Once two or more people work through conflict in healthy ways, their bond strengthens by the shared experience of perseverance. People come to know each other in deeper and more meaningful ways.
The outcome of healthy conflict is that new solutions are created through collaboration. The feeling of having worked through something together is rewarding. There is shared ownership of outcomes versus a win/lose. The friction of healthy conflict sparks passion and innovation.
So how do you become someone who can let go of unhealthy conflict and begin engaging in healthy conflict - even when others aren’t yet on board?
When you sense conflict is brewing:
Pause.
Notice the stories that are being created in your mind. You may have automatic thoughts like, “They are so wrong” or “They should know better” or “What will people think if I don’t (or do) defend my perspective?”
Pay attention to the sensations you feel in your body. What posture are you taking on? Are you physically preparing for battle? Are you bracing yourself? Are you preparing to shrink or avoid?
Shift your body position back to neutral and breathe. Relax your shoulders, ground your feet on the floor, and listen for the beat of your heart. This allows yourself to come back to center.
Identify what the absolute true facts are of this situation. It might be something like, “Joe, I hear you have an opinion on how we should proceed. I acknowledge I have a different opinion from yours. The fact is that management is depending on us to get the task done by Friday.”
Sink into curiosity. Instead of coming at the person with your perspective, yelling it louder, or withholding cooperation until they give in, ask them to say more about their proposed approach.
“Would you share how you came up with your approach?”
“Can you say more about what you are thinking we should do?”
“Could you give me an example of how you see this working in this situation?”
Following these simple steps will generate dialogue instead of creating an unhealthy dynamic of each party defending or campaigning for their view.
Listen as they share while you withhold judgement, impatience, or frustration. Ignore the “They are winning" inner-voice messages from your brain.
Remember, this isn’t about winning or losing.
It is about the rare superpower of turning conflict into collaboration.
As they share about their idea, five important things will happen:
They will become less defensive as they feel fully seen and heard.
You will have opportunities to ask even more questions that will help both of you deepen your thinking.
You will learn some things you may not have thought about.
It will spur new ideas for both of you.
It will increase trust.
The trick to all of this is to be willing to let go of the egocentric desire to win. The desire to win is tied to a belief that we need to prove we are both smart and right.
This belief doesn’t serve us. Particularly when it comes to building relationships, innovating, and solving complex problems.
A wise person once told me, “Beth, you can be right or you can be in relationship.”
Play with this approach the next time you feel a conflict coming on. Notice what shifts. And those fears you have around how people view you when you are in conflict? Those will shift as well.
With consistency, you will become known as someone who can shift unhealthy conflict into collaboration.
That’s a superpower the world needs more of.